Sunday 17 May 2020

Let's Get Embarrassing

Here's a fun opener: It's taken me a long time to realise I don't actually hate myself. 

It's been the melodramatic default of my mind for so many years, but I guess it just took this extended period of time alone to find out the truth was actually something far more vulnerable. I don't hate myself at all, I'm just deeply embarrassed quite a lot of the time. And being so easily embarrassed, is the thing that I hate.

For some reason I'm struck now with a memory of a boy I've written about on here far too many times than he could ever deserve. We had that kind of spark you pine for in your teenage years, that sexually-charged back and forth quipping that veers dangerously close to being out of line, that would only inevitably dissolve in a hotbed of lust and crumpled clothes on the floor. (This treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen mentality is something I'm relieved I finally outgrew... despite deep down knowing it'd probably still gets me a lil bit to this day.)

Anyway, we'd always be at each others throats, desperately trying to outsmart one another and claim the victory, but the intoxication of the game was that he was absolutely unbeatable. Even my most ingenious and devastating forms of disrespect would simply ricochet off his unshakeable facade, and make me look the fool for trying. It was impossibly frustrating, and mostly because I always envied it about him so much.

When I look back at my life now, the only time I've felt that unembarrassable is when I have literally been too dumb to realise how embarrassing I was. I cringe hard when I think about myself at my most bolshy and how deeply unlikable that made me. Back then, I'd synthesised sky-high confidence out of deeply rutted insecurity, a rather transparent defence against powerlessness. It was unstable and manic, which by no coincidence actually caused me to be my most embarrassing self. 

I'm more than happy to leave that in the past, but feeling the complete opposite isn't a comfortable place to be either. 

What I want to do is recapture that feeling of being bulletproof, without having to use it as a weapon. While this may sound contradictory, I no longer wish for confidence to use in defence, I seek it as protection.  I'm not facing outward premeditating attack any more. I'm turning inward and looking after my own. 

So I wrote down a list of things about myself that make me feel embarrassed to admit. Whether they are actually true is somewhat irrelevant in this case, 'cause just believing their truth is enough to hold serious weight. And then I took the thing that made me feel so bad about myself, and rephrased the very same sentiment as if I was telling someone about my best friend in the whole world. And by the end, I'll be damned if it didn't make me feel kinda different. 

'I am alone and I have no friends' became: She generates her own happiness and found in herself everything she needed.

'I'm weird and fucked up and wish I could just be normal like everybody else' became: She's this curious and unique character like no-one else I know. She lives by her own rules.

'I have failed at everything I've ever tried, I'm a walking disaster' became: She has this wild colourful history and a wealth of experiences under her belt, and through them she learnt what wasn't for her, and what was. 

'It's humiliating to be this age and still not know who I am or what I'm doing' became: She never settles too long on one thing, she's constantly evolving and taking steps in new directions. She considers herself a late bloomer which she likes, because it means everything only gets better over time. 

'I lack discipline enough to ever see a project through' became: She's passionate and throws herself fully into something when it grips her heart. But she trusts her gut too, and knows just when the time is right to return to something or let it go for now.

'I've wasted my life' became: She affords herself the time to find her footing in any new situation, and knows this is something which can never be rushed. 

'I'm all over the place and can't seem to make up my mind' became: She's a Libra, what can I say?