Sunday 23 February 2014

Blogging vs Real Life

So, before I made the (seemingly) monumental decision to once and for all turn off the 'Anonymous Ask' feature on my Tumblr, I used to get a fair amount of anonymous sass. 

(I don't wanna use the term 'anon hate' here, cause I know from experience that that can be some nasty stuff.) 

At least once a week I'd get some jibe like 'You think you're so deep and artsy but you're just pretentious and arrogant' or something equally as dull, and the disconcerting thing was, they nearly always appeared to be from anonymous people who skirt around me in real life.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've kinda grown out of being at Uni, and in doing so, have apparently shed a hefty amount of 'friends' in the meantime. In my eyes, I've re-discovered the person I've truly always been and finally grown into that, and discovered all these wonderful new ventures and opportunities along the way. 

I guess to some, it seems like I've changed completely and utterly into someone else.

Seeing as they never knew me before the person they met at Uni, it's kind hard to explain that I've actually just changed back.

But apparently, that prompted me to get a load of stuff like this and followed by charmers like this.

Paired with someone saying to me recently,'God, if only your 'readers' knew what you were really like' which actually kinda pissed me off, it really made me think. 

There's no truer form of me than what I put into this blog. 

Hell, the people who read this probably know me better than any acquaintance I have outside of the internet.

And it kinda offends me when people accuse me of 'making it up' or 'creating a fake character', just because I'm also a silly shit who falls over a lot, swears like a sailor and finds farts really really funny. 

Just because in real life I probably watch too much netflix in bed and sing really loudly as soon as I'm home alone, forget to wash the dishes every now and again and mostly live in PJ's, complain every two seconds if I'm either a) hungry or b) cold, and will not even give a *semblance* of a shit if there's a ladder in my tights - it doesn't mean that anything outside of that is not real.

Because as well as those things, it doesn't mean that I don’t think a lot and get depressed sometimes and cry really hard at artsy foreign films, or watch a little too closely to see how quickly the smile fades off a persons face after I say something, or sometimes get so fucked up in my own head thinking about the universe and life that sometimes I genuinely convince myself that I'm actually dead. 

People are not meant to have a single dimension. 

Humans are complex multi-faceted creatures, and when people try and call me out as a fraud when I show another side of my personality... well it darn-tootin' pisses me off, that's what it does.

That's the reason I started blogging in the first place - to find a place to express all the things that are sometimes too scary, too preposterous, too bombastic and not socially acceptable to shout about in reality. 

In my eyes, the most sincere part of my character and my soul is encapsulated in this little website of typed sentences.

This is all me... but that doesn't mean that this is all I am. 

Everyone has those moments when the laughter and silliness stops, when the cold harsh light of morning begins to seep through the crack in the curtains, and the strange thoughts and unexpected epiphanies come. 

Mine lay here. 

But I'm a human too, and there are things about me and my life that I choose not to write about on here, as there are things that I write about on here that I don't tell people in real life. 

But none of that makes me a liar, or a fraud.

And my god is that my Achilles heel, and it seriously gets to me when people say stuff like that, jokingly or not. It's insulting to literally the very fibre of my being.

But then again, there's always the argument of why should I need to defend myself as a person against anyone? 

Every human is also a person, so for another human to be constantly picking at my person, probably says a lot more about how much person there is inside their human, than it does about me.

 And you know what I think? 

Just because you do not lay your entire being bare to every single person you meet, it does not mean you tailor yourself to manipulate what people think of you.

It means you respect yourself.

And something which I'm going to try and force myself to understand is, at the end of the day, you don't owe a damned explanation to anybody.


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