Monday, 7 April 2014

I, The Author of My Days


I want to create beauty.

For so long I've felt lost and afraid of the future, endlessly worrying that I have no plan, my end goal too unattainable to be little more than a dream.

But four days ago, sat in the Gatherly offices, completely off guard, it hit me with full brute force. 

If the inside of my mind were reality, the sky would've ripped open and the ground began to quake, sending objects flying and people fleeing as potted plants and various office paraphernalia began to shower the frantic room.

But this was reality, and sitting (mostly) dignified on that black leather sofa, quietly listening to the illuminating words of Tash and the Gatherly staff, the only clue I could give as to the monumental epiphany occurring inside my brain was the agitated jiggling of my foot and the small excited tremble in my smile.

Because to me, it felt like this choking grey dread that the years had solidified, suddenly splintered, and was struck open right before me, exposing the fluid glittering mass of my ambition beneath, which for so long had remained ever warm but ever out of reach.

And from that pooling silver liquid, a form began to rise and take shape.

A knowledge that has always existed deep within me, but has always remained entombed by this crippling, impenetrable sense of reality.

And then I saw it, in all it's glorious, dazzling light.

I am meant to create beauty.

Never before have I seen my future with such clarity.

In fact, just a few weeks ago was a period of perhaps my most frustrated ignorance ever.

But here I was, with Gatherly being the blessed unknown catalyst, now fully bestowed with this sense of self-enlightenment, like this silver form had solidified into a glistening armour.

I know that I can do things.

I know that I am better at some things over others.

And it took 20 years of my life to stop pretending that was not true to be more likable, and to finally take that step forward, to stand up and say:

"I do not think I am useless."

That day was the day I started this blog, a place to mark the journey of what happens when you stop letting life get away from you, stop ignoring things that you can do well, and you become, for want of a better phrase, totally selfish. 

When you stop putting yourself down, stop conforming to the social norm of self-deprecation, and you say "You know what? I can do these things. And I'm actually quite good at them. And here's the proof."

And listening to the incredible people at Gatherly talk about all the exciting projects and opportunities, I realised that I could be a part of most of them, in different ways. I could perhaps be a musician in that project, a script-writer in that one, a videographer in that one there, a stylist in another.

And that in turn made me realise something greater on a personal level.

I want to create beauty.

And, (here comes the brutal honesty - hell, life is too short to beat around the bush.) this is how I am going to do it.

There are four things in which I believe myself to be talented in:

Writing, singing, creative vision and blogging.

And instead of pursuing one, with Gatherly by my side and Scarphelia as my sanctuary, I'm going to pursue them all, with one main goal to create beauty with each.

I want to write.

I want to write intricately crafted blog posts that build a mental landscape inside the minds of the readers, transporting them along with me on all I wish to show them. I shall write two books. One, an e-book based around the ideas and philosophies I always talk about on Scarphelia. How to truly feel alive; The Silver Perspective. The other a rich, intricate, fictional novel which I have been creating since I was 17. Both are already in construction.

I want to make music.

I want to use these writing skills to write songs, epic music which can make the listener squeeze their eyes shut, blast up the volume and lose themselves in it all. I want to stand up in front of a crowd and bare my soul through my voice. I want to travel on the road, playing my ukulele and humming absentmindedly along with the delicate melodies as the wind rushes through my hair and I close my eyes against the warm sun. I want to be at a music festival as a joint creator and appreciator, being able to evoke emotion in passion to all that hear the sounds that I create. A month ago I became the lead singer of a band. Our first gig is on the 13th May and we are booked into a recording studio after Easter.

I want to create vision.

I want to utilise the perspective I have gained through this journey and my synesthesia to show how I see the world, not just through my words, but visually too. I want to create videos - not just vlogs on youtube or pieces to camera, but to travel and adventure, meet wonderful people and visit the most extraordinary places, and capture them all on film, creating beautiful montages and visual thought pieces. Synesthesia allows me to see the most incredible things inside my mind, and for now, the way I recreate that is through my words. But I want to do more than that. I want to truly show it. I recently directed my first documentary at Uni, and will begin creating these videos with footage I capture in New York.

And lastly, the final piece of this puzzle is Scarphelia.

Scarphelia to me now is not just a blog. It is my sanctuary, a place for me to be honest and passionate and to vent without fear of being judged, shot down or laughed at for it. It has become my spiritual home, and for others to find a kind of empathy with it is the most humbling and motivating thing I have ever experienced. And so lastly, I want to utilise my knowledge of blogging to push Scarphelia on to become something greater, not just a blog but a universal perspective, a way of life, also using Scarphelia ETC as an outlet for art, fashion and aesthetic appreciation. All in all, a journey through the maze of the beauty of existence, for others to experience, and to hopefully entertain, enlighten and inspire.

And with it all together, I want to create beauty.

Not superficiality as in being pretty or just looking nice, but beauty of the heart.

Beautiful sounds, beautiful meanings, beautiful visuals, beautiful living.

And along the way if I can convince just one other person that they are in fact innately amazing too, then my job here is done.

In the end, whether you are a religious person, hold all your faith in science, a bit of both or neither, no-one knows why we are here, or what, if anything, it is that we are supposed to do.

And so the way I choose to deal with that, is to instill my faith on what feels right to me. 

And the way I view this whole shebang is to treat the world as if it has been gifted for you, and just you, to create beauty with. It may not be true, but if it makes you happy and it makes others happy, you can't go far wrong, right?

And so my one final message before I go to New York City, and my one resounding message that I shall repeat forever and for all, is:

' Forever remain curious. Refuse to remain unremarkable. '

                   

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25 comments :

  1. What an awesome comment. I like to think that you might be right. I think breaking down those last barriers of self-doubt and admitting exactly what I want... maybe that is the key to actually getting it...

    Or so I hope! Thanks for reading x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Exactly! I think you'll have a whole lot of fun finding out x

    ReplyDelete
  3. What am incredible future you have ahead of you! I know that after reading this I hope to one day have a similar epiphany. It takes a lot of guts to stand up and admit that you believe you are good at certain things and that you will succeed! I found this really inspiring and hopefully I'll be able to make something of my little life too. Have an amazing time in NYC and I can't wait to see the treasures you bring back.

    Jo xx

    She Wears Burgundy

    ReplyDelete
  4. I cannot wait for the novel. Seriously cannot wait. With your writing style, it will be an explosion of sensation. Please please please focus on that first!! :) Good luck in all of it though I suppose :p xxx
    www.la-lingua.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow, you're pretty admirable! I wish I had the confidence that you have to just say and know that you're going to do these things, and know that you have the ability. Good luck! :)

    Imogen // imogenscribbles.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's incredible the amount of realizations you've come too and seeing them fully come to fruition. I guess the real and most monumental step you can take in finding yourself, is understanding and loving all the good in yourself, which for whatever reason these days seems like such a faux pas thing to do. Which is so strange, because...surely seeing what's good in us is so much better than nitpicking at the bad. I cannot wait to read about your magnificent journey through life here on Scarphelia, they're truly so inspiring to me who's someone I guess I'd say is a bit on the silver lining of a grey cloud.
    :)


    x leah symonne x


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