Thursday, 25 June 2015

To The Stranger Who

I wrote this on the day it happened, and have been in two minds since whether to let it be seen or not. 


Partly because of how incredibly personal this is, but also in a concern as it may be taken as a call for pity - something I strictly neither want or need. But I've finally decided I'm going to post it because I'm not ashamed that this happened to me - angry, yes, but not ashamed - and I refuse to just absorb this as a part of me. 

I'm not going to carry this anymore, so this is me airing it to its death, and from here on out, it means nothing to me.

*


To the lecherous stranger who wanders the crowds alone, pushing absentmindedly through the plumes of colourful costumes and brightly-embellished characters. The stranger I do not know and I never will. 

To the entranced stranger, whose sordid stare is captivated by the dancing forms, the barely-clothed and painted bodies dancing in the parade, spirits soaring and arms twirling.The stranger who perhaps came here for only one reason.

To the hurried stranger, squeezed into a swathe of excited humans all craning for a glance. The stranger who finds himself ushered into a tightly packed crowd by the traffic wardens.

To the eager stranger who stands behind me, a little taller so he can see above the head of the girl who stands against the barrier in front of him. The stranger who gazes, aroused by the hypnotic bodies beyond, as many alike press against his in the mass.

To the fifty-something stranger who catches my eye as I turn on tiptoes, phone aloft, to try and spot the next float in the parade. The stranger who briefly catches the eye of the girl in front of him as she holds up her phone as a makeshift periscope above the heads of the dense crowd.

To the aroused stranger who then watches that girl as she turns away and bends down to awkwardly retrieve her bag from the floor carefully avoiding all the elbows and knees along the way, and notices she's wearing a short skirt.

To the stranger who then chooses to take that unnecessary step forward as she stands.

To the stranger that pins my body toward the barrier in the 'crush of the crowd'.

To the stranger that grunts against the skin of my neck and thrusts his groin into my behind, hands grappling at the bottom of my skirt.

To the stranger that - even when I suddenly become aware this is no accidental touch and attempt to move to one side, only to feel his unmistakable warm mass dislodge from between my buttcheeks - follows my motion as I try to move myself away. A crowd stampede through the crossing behind us. There's so many people, so many bodies.

To the repulsive stranger who then grabs my hip as he deliberately pushes his erect sweatpant-concealed penis repeatedly against my behind - an act completely invisible to anyone else under the flailing limbs and costumes of the crowd.

To the disgusting excuse of a man who then has the audacity to leer me in the eye - that clear, sickening evidence making his sweatpants taut - the moment I am able to break free and spin around in horror at the realisation of what has just happened to me, before he quickly disappears into the crowds of oblivious strangers.

To the stranger who purposefully violated me.

To the stranger who forcibly used my body to pleasure himself without my consent or knowledge.

To the stranger who sexually assaulted me in broad daylight at a public event, within my first fortnight of my solo adventure of a lifetime.

Fuck. 

You.

Fuck you to hell and back.

Fuck you for the sudden nausea and shivers which wracked my body, for the panic attack I had to suppress, the sickening violation which seeped from my skin like a cold sweat, on a day that should have been for laughter. For friends. For photo taking and dancing and drinking in the sunshine.

Fuck you because I couldn't react. Because I was with people I'd just met for the first time and despite them noticing at the last minute what had happened, I had to play it down like it didn't fuck me up. Like it didn't really matter. Like it was nothing. For when I managed to convince myself I was overreacting and really I should just get over it, yet every subsequent laugh later in the day was cut short by recalling the sickening sensation of your body against mine.

Fuck you for when I later burst into tears at the prospect of the 1 minute walk back from the bus stop by myself in the dark, and I had to convince a cab driver to just drop me round the corner. And fuck you for when the driver kindly agreed, and just before I stepped into his car his gaze flickered down to my skirt and I scrunched my fingers up in the terrified, fucked up idea that I shouldn't dress like this if I don't want to allude to men that I'm there for the taking. 

Fuck you for thinking a woman is a tool to be utilised. That a complete and innocent stranger, just by nature of their gender, is there for your service.

Fuck you for all the other girls and boys out there who have been harassed, assaulted and worse under the hands of disgusting, oppressive fucklords like you. 

So first and foremost FUCK YOU, and secondly, let me tell you a little something buddy.

I will proudly put on that skirt again tomorrow, because I want to, I choose to, and I can. I will not stop wearing the clothes I love out of fear of what others might to do me because of it.

I will not let you convince me that every man means to harm me, developing a panic-stricken anxiety that every stranger is a threat.

I will not be scared out of being independent, of taking chances and doing what I love, going out and having fun alone or with friends, without having to be haunted by the paranoia that I might be 'making myself a target.' 

And like FUCK will I let you ruin the optimism I have finally found in this crazy new life I have spent a hard time adjusting to, a happiness and comfort which I am finally at peace with.

So finally, a statement to the repugnant old man who laid his filthy body upon me - 

I will never let my experience here be scarred by the memory of your touch. Because this place, this life, the amazing people I have met, these adventures and goddamn it, I, refuse to be defined by having been touched by you. 

Go fuck yourself, shitbag. 

And next time, leave others out of it. 

24 comments :

  1. OH, GOD. BE CAREFUL OUT THERE, KATIE!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow :/ I've always loved your writing and follow your travels but I'm speechless. You're very brave for putting this out there, and I am sure your words will help others. xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Every time we speak the truth about this stuff, idk, I think it helps. Bonus if the word "shitbag" is used. Well said.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well done you for writing this. And for the amounts of fuck you will not give him... metaphorically speaking!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This brought a tear to my eye, well done on you for writing this and sharing your story as hard as it must of been. I can't believe what that vile human being did you. I hope this post inspires other people that have been through a similar situation you and shows them that it's good to speak up and tell people about it because bottling it up can do a lot of harm.
    Stay safe out there Katie!

    Courtney | http://courtzmelv.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm really sorry you had to experience this but at least you're trying to move past it and in doing so are becoming even more empowered than before. By airing this unnecessary incident hopefully it'll help someone else get through a similar tough time too.

    -M
    www.violetroots.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. This turned my stomach. That disgusting pervert. It's a good thing i believe in karma. Thank you for posting this as it happens all too often and all too often people are afraid to do so. You will have helped many with this i am sure. You wear whatever the fuck you want and i pray this never happens to you again lovely xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm shocked and sickened that something that calls themselves a human being decided to do this to you. This shouldn't be happening in the 21st Century. I can't congratulate you enough for writing this post- you are one brave woman! I really hope you are okay xxxxxxxx
    http://georgie-awaywiththefairies.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  9. Some men are so sickening! Im glad that it wont effect you and hope that others find comfort in your words who have been treated the same.

    http://leannewinters.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are so incredible for writing this so eloquently, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. He is a fucking disgusting human

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't think I have any words that will make this better. I certainly don't have any words that will make this ok.
    I hope you're alright. You are incredible but writing this and for having the determination to not let it get to you.

    Lou
    naturallybeige.com
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't know what I can say to make you feel any better, but that shitbag will have karma come and give him a hefty slap in the face.

    This is the first post I have cried at, reading. Mainly because I can relate to it so much. A few years back when waitressing, I was harassed both verbally and physically by a male co-worker. In the end, I had to quit because my bosses took his side because he was basically a friend of theirs, even though both women told me they wouldn't take sides as it's unfair to do that.

    So thank you for speaking up, for talking about this as it reminds me that the next time a man tries to touch me at all, without my consent? He can expect something to hit somewhere. I don't even know or care what it is, but it will be heavy, and painful, that's for sure!

    A Little Twist Of…

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you so much for writing this! Thank you for reminding me just because one person acted in a certain way, that I shouldn't be scared of certain situations or certain clothes. Thank you for reminding me that one person's actions are not the actions of everyone. But most importantly thank you for adding your voice to the numbers of women, including myself, who have experienced sexual assault. I only hope one day less of us will have stories to tell!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Urrrrgh what a disgusting scumbag! This makes me so mad!!!! I hate hate HATE men who think this is acceptable. I have so much respect for you for not clawing his eyes out. I would have lost my shit. I think. Or I would have burst out crying. Either way, well done for handling it so well and for not letting him change the way you dress! xxxx
    Lucy @ La Lingua Italy

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm awfully sorry you've had to go through this fucked up shit, and so soon into your new life journey. It certainly is a violation & the asshole will (I'm sure) continue to do this to countless women. That is the horrible truth. Makes me so angry that I've had to hear this from countless of my female friends. Disgusting. Glad you're ok and at the least, able to unload it here to exorcise any demons from that ugly incident. :(

    ReplyDelete
  16. I don't even know what to say. I'm so in loss for words.
    Katie, I am so incredibly sorry. I don't know what could make you feel any better about this incident. A woman can easily become traumatized by incidents like these and they can haunt her forever but Katie, you're not like every other woman, you're so different that I cannot even begin to explain. You're brave, beautiful, courageous. You have the ability to create light in the darkest corner and bring a person to tears with your words. This little incident is completely insignificant to a woman like you because it can never ever scar someone of your ability and personality. You are fucking incredible and I know that with every fiber of my being. You are a person who has the duty and I emphasize on the word duty, to inspire people and spread positivity.
    You are remarkable and you'll get through.
    Zoha. x

    ReplyDelete
  17. Welcomes to google terminal from Austin Texas! google snake
    Amazing insight you have on this, Happy wheels it's nice to find a website that details so much information about different artists... Age of war 2 This article always blew me... Earn to die For how many times I have read this.
    slither io Hi! I’ve been reading your blog for a while slitherio it's nice to find a website that details so much big farm

    ReplyDelete
  18. I definitely enjoying every little bit of it. It is a great website and nice share
    Signature: slither io | wings io | science kombat | tank trouble 4

    ReplyDelete
  19. The war between humans, orcs and elves continues. Lead your race through a series of epic battles, using your crossbow to fend off foes and sending out units to destroy castles. Researching and upgrading wisely will be crucial to your success!
    slitherio | unfair mario 2 | age of war 2
    The game controls are shown just under . Movement mechanisms primarily include acceleration and tilting controls.
    cubefield | tank trouble | happy wheels | earn to die 3 | earn to die 4

    ReplyDelete