Wednesday, 18 November 2015

The Post-Publish Thought-stream of Every Blogger (or maybe just me)


- Okay that's it. I think I'm done. Wait, does that even make sense? I've stared at this for so long I can feel my eyeballs aging. This is just one long bloody ramble isn't it? FFS. I'll sent it to *long suffering designated-editor friend*, maybe they'll be able to fix it for me.

- Sends to *long suffering designated-editor friend* and waits


- WHY ARE THEY TAKING SO LONG? DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS?


- Oh god I'm the worst aren't I? They're just trying to get on with their lives and I'm just pestering them to care about my self-indulgent crap. Okay, I'm just gonna post it anyway, it'll do right?


- Presses publish then plugs it on every social medium and platform imaginable, then sits silently and studiously in front of Google Analytics, staring until the first little orange blip appears on the map, to which you then zoom in to their location and try and figure out who the person could be and if you know them


- *email ping* OH NOW YOU REPLY. With... a ten point list of every typo and grammatical error, oh god oh god oh GOD


- Frantically make all edits with heart beating faster that ever before, cursing slow wifi, hoping no-one noticed 


- Okay, good. It's better. I'm happier with this. I can't wait for the comments to start rolling in. I wonder what people will think?


- WHY AREN'T THE COMMENTS ROLLING IN? WHY AREN'T PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT THEY THINK?


- Oh no, I felt really good about this one. This is, like, the best blog post I've ever done. If only people they would read it, then they'd see! *shakes fist at sky*


- *at first retweet* YES omg imagine if this goes VIRAL? It's gonna go viral. I just know it. This is my magnum opus. I'll dedicate a chapter to this moment in my future memoir.


- ... ??? a bit weird I've had no other feedback or notifications, did it post correctly in all seven thousand places I linked it?


- Endlessly refreshes post, waiting for the glaring NO COMMENTS to change, returning to Google Analytics to see a whole cluster of orange dots viewing your post


- Wait, people are reading it but saying nothing... Are they clicking off halfway through? Is it boring? Oh god, it's just shit isn't it. SHIT. 


- I'm so deluded, of course no-one likes it. I can't believe I even thought I deserved readers. I was expecting a shit ton of attention for this wasn't I? Just admit it. Ugh. Who do you think you are? You think you're a big shot, huh? DO YA? Well, look at that. No-one gave a shit.


- I bet it's cause there's no pictures. No-one cares about long boring thoughts about my life - Why would they! You gotta give the people what they want! And the people want sophistication, class, sleek, professional artsy candid photos like I've just been caught by chance, scantily-clad leaping through the forest. 

- Why do I care if anyone cares anyway? I'm a lone wolf, carving my own space into the internet. I don't wanna be popular anyway. It's cool to write a blog that no-one reads. I'm a motherfuckin' artist, man. An ANTI-BLOGGER.


- Wait, a comment! YES. Oh... it's someone saying one word then linking their blog. Well, I guess I'll just write 'thanks?' at least my reply will make me comment count go up. Ha. Tragic. 


- Returns to twitter, sees a few likes on the tweet


- These are just pity likes aren't they? Look at everyone just chatting away. Look at *her* new post! She's so amazing. I'm so irrelevant. Oh god, I should just quit today. No-one would even notice would they? In a few years, they'd be like 'anyone remember that blog? wonder what ever happened to that' and then THEIR tweet would get no likes or responses just like mine trying to promote my shitty blog that no-one reads


- Shuts laptop lid, inhales deeply and contemplates existence, only to pick up phone right away to check see if anyone has commented


- YES! An articulate, thoughtful response! And another! Oh wow, and a few tweets omg this is all so sudden


- Responses start to trickle in and optimism soars


- Maybe I'm not so shit and useless. Oh god, it's really important that I'm good at this. My whole future as a writer depends on how well my writing is received. I just want to be good at this. Am I any good? I hope I'm good.


I think I might be good.


- replies with genuine heartfelt grattitude to those who have taken time out to read, respond and care 


- Okay, I'm gonna go lay down. I think I need a break from blogging.


...


*two days later* 


I MUST WRITE ABOUT THIS NEW THING.