Entering my third year of internet creating, I think I've finally found a position where I feel safe.
In year one I was clueless, and in my second I was all about that ~exposure~ life, but now, with the pageviews and pressure having decreased, I feel more or less at peace, observing the complicated ins and outs of the industry through binoculars from my little wooden cabin on the edge of it all.
But there's still one little anxiety that I can't shake, and it's that my future relies very heavily on what I do here. Which begs two immediately pressing questions; What am I actually trying to get from this? and am I doing enough to actually get it?
I know why I do this, that's the simple part; I love to write, I love to connect with like-minded souls around the world, and I love more than anything else when something I write resonates with someone and they take the time to reach out and tell me.
But what is it I'm doing this for? What am I trying to achieve?
Because the truth is... this isn't just a hobby. It's not just for fun, otherwise I wouldn't fret so much about it. Passion and fire runs through my veins and I have such drive to achieve great things. I know it's never been about creating a business or starting an online magazine, as is the route most blogs seem to go down. But it is something. And it's taken some careful contemplation, but I think I've finally figured out what.
So here's the truth. You know the why, but this is the what for. Firstly, because I believe if you don't ask in this world, you don't get, so you gotta stand up and own it. And two, 'cause it's kinda liberating to be totally honest and just not give a fuck, y'know?
In a world where you can't always get what you want, you can always choose who you want to be, and what you want to stand for.
Because I want nothing more in my life than to write books and record albums for the rest of my days. I am deeply passionate about making both music and literature, and so just like I make music in the hopes of getting a record deal, yeah, I do this because I want someone to believe that I can write a damn good book, and take a chance on me.
Because I want to be a designated translator of the universe, regaling experiences so magical and so vivid, it feels like true memory to readers. I want to be the author of vicarious living, to be trusted to get invited to experience beautiful, magnificent things and then write the world alive through lexical choreography and divine orchestration of the imagination. I want to be sent to the goddamn moon and know I'll do it lyrical justice.
Because I want to push the boundaries of human experience. I want to have the freedom and ability to chase adventure across this world and the next, making documentaries about the beautiful things I discover and short films about shit that matter. I want to travel the world inside and out, discovering fascinating new cultures and different kinds of people and learn how we can work together to make something remarkable. I want to collaborate, listen and share with a whole world on my doorstep.
Because I want to build. I want to build houses in the trees, places for nature to thrive, and I want to build wonder in the hearts of people too. I want to create beauty and change perceptions, have a gallery to showcase my art and photography, have people care enough to come a long and listen to my music, to hear my voice.
Because I want to fucking scream. I want to light the torches and storm into that good night, blazing that trail hand-in-hand which says we will not be undermined. We will not be unheard. We will fight for what is right and will not bow to what is wrong.
Because - fuck it - I want to help change the world.
Because millennials - those who grew up with the internet as a sibling - will be the ones who will chase away the immorality of an old broken world, and have the clarity of mind above those who were born online, to change the fate of our future planet. And I want to be one of the front runners of that movement. Through climate change, poverty, discrimination and inequality - I want to help make this world a better place for the future, and spread this seed of inspiration as far out across the world as I can. I want to be human fucking two point oh.
And that's what I build for. To give myself a voice to ask who will care with me, and provide a platform to springboard myself out into the universe, knowing I'll always land right back on my feet.
That's not too much to ask... right?