Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Homecoming


There’s a sweet little irony in only realising where you were going wrong in something, once you come to the end. A kind of long-awaited clarity where, with a deep 'Ohhh', the reason for all that was senseless suddenly makes complete sense. A certain kind of epiphany, I like to think, you only achieve when it's time


I've spent months waiting for that bittersweet moment, often doubting it's existence. But recently I've started to feel different. I can sense this cosmic shift, and I think I've finally realised what's been missing all along. 

It was not what I previously thought; a lack of good people, purpose, or somewhere to direct my passion that left me empty. Perhaps they were a part of it, but there was something bigger that encompassed it all. At the root of it all, it came down to something so simple and so obvious, I realised it a million times without ever really noticing what it meant. 

Home.

As humans, we seek home in any manner of scales - in alternate planets and solar systems in our universe, in countries inside continents, cities inside countries, in people and streets and lovers within the cities that we live. Home is something we’ll never cease continuing to need and seek. And while social media has come to encourage us to celebrate and revere those who cast off the shackles of conventional living and surrender themselves to the nomadic life of the dreamer, we’re all seeking something. Even in the smallest of ways, we’re always trying to find a home in what we do, the people we meet, and the person we think we might be. 

And in this I have realised something far greater about the past year of my life, a year of feeling more lost than perhaps ever before. Each new flaw that I have discovered upon running my fingers across the indented surface of myself could be traced to the one fact that for a year now, I have had no home. Both metaphorically and physically. (Although, without my own place to live, I am very grateful that I’ve had a roof above my head and a bed to sleep in.)

For a year, home has extended no further than a day’s clothes crammed into bags and bustled onto trains. Home has pushing the limits on sofa-surfing or returning to the single bed in the museum of my formative years, gazing into the mirror of my teenage self and trying to tell her that, somehow, it's fine, right? Home has been all of the pieces of myself packed in boxes and stacked in the gloom, gathering dust in the darkness like my steadily decaying hopes that I can get out of this rut. Home has been straddling a line between unconsciousness and alert, not quite awake, but never fully asleep.

And with an almighty crash I can suddenly see the truth of it all. How, in the months I’ve spent half-heartedly just looking for a new place, I never fully understood that incredibly powerful connection between this subtle undoing of myself, and the lack of a space of my own with which to express myself, care for myself, and get to know myself again.

Until now, when out of the blue it has suddenly become clear as day to me. Dare I believe it’s because the end is night, the next chapter of my life lurking just a few emails and phone calls away? I don’t know if that’s true, but I can feel a change happening anyway. The long since hardened parts of me are beginning to rumble and shatter, something forgotten still molten and fluid deep beneath the surface. I’m waking up. And I feel perched upon the horizon of something transformative. 

Like an aching, ageing star’s slow succumb to implosion, this year has withered and strained me to the very thinnest stretches of who I think I am and what I believe I can do. But I’ve reached critical mass, and while the end of this era has felt like something slowly approaching for some time now, I can’t help but feel I’m now dancing in those final few seconds before supernova. 

Because when the stars finally align and I find my home once more, I can be born again. Both metaphorically and literally, I can start over, carefully choosing the pieces of my past I wish to bring with me into the next chapter of my life, a chapter which has been so agonisingly on delayed since I landed back from New York City, and so deeply changed from my experience there. I have been aching to rise again from the moment I fell, which has been a light through the depression which has consumed my 23rd year that I’ve clung onto, if only at times like a little finger wrapped around thread. 

I’m ready to put myself back together. 

And as I gaze in awe at my metamorphosing core, sensing my homecoming in a future so tantalisingly near, I wonder if perhaps that’s what fate had been waiting for me to say all along. 

37 comments :

  1. loved reading this post, as always!

    wiltedxfaded.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  2. As ever, I cannot wait for whatever is coming next Katie x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ah have missed reading your posts Katie but I'm back and now wondering why'd I'd ever stopped! Raw words as always; they speak and lift of the screen/page.
    Always a joy to read your thoughts and musings and in turn they help us all to grow with you. Such a talented lady and with your words, you breathe wisdom into us all to experience, thank you!

    Wishing you that clarity, that epiphany, that missing piece: always! Whether it's in your new metaphorical/physical home or just in each moment, may you (and all of us!) find the peace within the absolute chaos that is life! Looking forward to seeing SO much from you talented lady!!

    Ana xx

    www.namastefromananya.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. this hit home (literally)! I cherish the idea of a home, a lovely and warm and cozy place where the loved one awaits. It's about people sometimes, and sometimes, just about the buildings. I hope to see you all comfy at a home that's good enough for you girlie. Can't wait to hear more about it.


    Noor | Noor's Place

    ReplyDelete
  5. This post was amazing to read, and it made me realise so many things and really made me think. Thank you for it! Cant wait to see more!
    Kinga x
    http://www.rockthisrunway.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lovely words as always Katie! Sounds like you're doing well :)

    www.millierosecollier.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete

  7. Hermes Handbags package can be seen from the shape can be installed very, plenty of room, coat, cosmetics, nursing pillow with a flight, carry things can be loaded into, very convenient and practical.Louis Vuitton handbags with great boldness of vision of the changing aesthetics and eclectic fashion show famous.Things could be worse: a sunny summer day, a speedy convertible and a cool IWC Replica. The watch is also an AMG, of sorts: the Ingenieur Automatic AMG Black Series Ceramic, introduced in 2013 in honor of Rolex watches Replica’s sponsorship of the Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula 1 team.We spend the morning shooting photos of the Breitling Watches Replica?in and around the parked roadster, so we have time to scrutinize all the Omega Watches Replica ’s details.

    Hermes Handbags

    Rolex watches Replica

    Omega Watches Replica

    Louis Vuitton handbags

    IWC Replica

    Breitling Watches Replica

    ReplyDelete
  8. Great! Thanks for sharing the information. That is very helpful for increasing my knowledge in this field.
    Subway Surfers | Run 3 | Click Jogos

    ReplyDelete
  9. I found lots of interesting information here.Great work
    Thanks for the share loved reading the article, please do share more like this wiht us .
    juegos gratis | juegos de futbol

    ReplyDelete
  10. Very good. you are the winner. Do not forget update new information regularly. thank !
    fnaf sister location

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you for your miracle Doctor Osemu Okpamen

    This article is dedicated to the Doctor Osemu Okpamen. I have been married with my wife for 5 years and recently she broke up with me and it hurt me deeply when she told me to leave her alone and that she does not love me anymore when i was always faithful and honest to her. I tried all the ways to get her back buying her what she wants like i always did and she still left me heart broken and she even has a new boyfriend which destroyed me even more until a friend of mine from high school directed me to this genuine spell Doctor called Osemu Okpamen. This man changed my life completely. I followed everything he told me to do and my wife came back begging for me back. I was stunned everything happened exactly like he told me. I had faith in everything he told me and everything was true. Also he was there every moment until i got my happiness back and he also provides spells that cures any diseases & sickness. You could contact him via email at { Doctorokpamenspelltemple@yahoo.com } or visit his website http://www.doctorokpamenspells.com or reach him on +1 (914)-517-3229. He will help you in anything you need and quick to answer once you contact him.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Getting ex boyfriend back after a breakup,I’m extremely happy that will are living together again. Am Maria 21yr from England, my boyfriend of a 4yr just broke up with me and am 30 weeks pregnant.I have cried my self to sleep most of the nights and don’t seem to concentrate during lectures sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again.Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day’s classes ,my attendance has dropped and am always in uni and on time.Generally he is a very nice guy ,he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along.He is right we’ve been arguing during the pregnancy a lot .After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change.I am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with.I’m still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn’t have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe.He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy,he is supportive with it but it’s not fair on me, him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy.i was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my bf are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Unity. If you have any problem contact Dr.Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you.Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +2348071622464.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Great info. I love all the posts, I really enjoyed, I would like more information about this, because it is very nice.

    Godaddy Hosting Reviews

    ReplyDelete


  14. افضل شركة نقل اثاث بالمدينة المنورة تساعدك على نقل اثاثك بامان فلا داعى للقلق مع افضل شركة نقل اثاث بجدة

    عزيزى العميل انت من محبى التنقل باستمرار بالتالى انت بحاجة ماسة وضروية الى الاستعانة بالمختصين في نقل العفش خاصة ارخص شركة نقل اثاث بالرياض لان الاستعانة باى من عمالة الشوارع الغير مدربة والتي لا تمتلك خبرة كافية في نقل العفش او الحفاظ علية وليس هذا فقط فقد يؤدى الاستعانة بعمالة الشوارع الى حدوث حالة فقدان وتكسير للاثاث بالتالى التاثير الضار عليك عزيزى العميل

    لا تقلق مطلقاً الان بشأن نقل اي منقولات خاصة بك طالما استعنت بشركة الاول لـ نقل الأثاث في الرياض وخارج الرياض فنحن ليس الوحيدون ولكننا متميزون عن اى مؤسسة أخرى داخل وخارج الدمام وشهرتنا كافضل شركة نقل عفش بينبع
    نقل اثاث بجدة

    ReplyDelete
  15. هل تبحث عن شركة متخصصة فى مكافحة الحشرات نحن نقدم لكم افضل شركة مكافحة حشرات فى الدمام كما انه تقدم خدمة متميزة ايضا وهى تنظيف المنازل والمجالس والفلل والقصور وسبب تقديم هذه الخدم انه تهتم بالاناقة والمنظر الخلاب والصحة العامة خدمات شركتنا كاتالى شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
    شركة تنظيف بالدمام
    شركة تنظيف مجالس بالدمام

    ReplyDelete
  16. من المعروف ان نظافة المنازل من بين اهم الخدمات الضرورية في التنظيف والترقية بمنازلنا الى مصاف المنازل العصرية والتي عرفت تنظيفا عصريا من شانه ان يوفر لساكنته ظروفا حياتية راقية ولابد من توفر هيئة تختص في المجال مع تقديم ضمانات متكاملة من شانه ان تجعل الافراد يضمنون نجاح خدمة التنظيف ولا حاجة للمزيد من ضياع الاموال عبر طلبات خدمة نظافة المنازل التي لا تلبي حاجياتهم ولا تتماشى مع رغباتهم لأن العديد من شركات تنظيف المنازل تسعى فقط الى عرض خدماتها عبر طرق ترويجية فحسب من اجل كسب المال فقط دون مراعاة الوازع الاخلاقي والضمير المهني الذي يحتم على مدراء مثل هاته الشركات ان يسعوا خلف ارضاء العملاء ليس اكثر من هذا عبر اتقان تنظيف المنازل . شركة تنظيف شمال الرياض
    شركة تنظيف خزانات بالقصيم
    شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
    شركة تنظيف بابها
    شركة تسليك مجارى بتبوك
    شركة تنظيف منازل بتبوك
    شركة تنظيف بالطائف
    شركة نقل عفش بالخرج

    ReplyDelete
  17. من المعروف ان نظافة المنازل من بين اهم الخدمات الضرورية في التنظيف والترقية بمنازلنا الى مصاف المنازل العصرية والتي عرفت تنظيفا عصريا من شانه ان يوفر لساكنته ظروفا حياتية راقية ولابد من توفر هيئة تختص في المجال مع تقديم ضمانات متكاملة من شانه ان تجعل الافراد يضمنون نجاح خدمة التنظيف ولا حاجة للمزيد من ضياع الاموال عبر طلبات خدمة نظافة المنازل التي لا تلبي حاجياتهم ولا تتماشى مع رغباتهم لأن العديد من شركات تنظيف المنازل تسعى فقط الى عرض خدماتها عبر طرق ترويجية فحسب من اجل كسب المال فقط دون مراعاة الوازع الاخلاقي والضمير المهني الذي يحتم على مدراء مثل هاته الشركات ان يسعوا خلف ارضاء العملاء ليس اكثر من هذا عبر اتقان تنظيف المنازل . شركة نقل عفش بتبوك
    شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالاحساء
    شركة تنظيف بالاحساء
    شركة مكافحة حشرات بالاحساء
    شركة مكافحة حشرات بتبوك
    شركة تنظيف مجالس بالاحساء
    شركة مكافحة حشرات بالخرج

    ReplyDelete
  18. Our Detroit Lions Banner Flag measures 28x40 inches, is constructed of 2-ply 100% polyester, and provides a top sleeve for hanging vertically from a wood flagpole. The Detroit Lions Banner Flag is high quality dye sublimated with the NFL Lions logo as shown. NFL Banners Flags are a perfect way to show neighbors your NFL team allegiance by flying from your front porch, patio, or deck.nfl flags wholesale
    nfl house divided flagsCincinnati Bengals house flags
    Packers stars and stripes flagscollege football flags,
    house divided college flags
    Sports flags and banners,
    nfl house flags

    ReplyDelete