Saturday 29 December 2012

A1: S2 - Childhood Disappointment

For the second instalment of the pre-resolution explanation, I thought perhaps I'd explain these series of extraordinary events which have lead to the epiphany that it's time for me to make it. Post-epiphany, I can see now that the past 20 years of my life have been full of small little signs, little fateful coincidences and have all been indicating something to me. So I guess I'd better start from the beginning.

Growing up, there was nothing I wanted nothing more than to be an inventor. I remember being very young, still in middle school, and being absolutely convinced that I could invent hover shoes. Of all of the things for an impressionable young tween to be obsessed with, I guess jet propulsion engines was probably one of the less common. I'd spend hours on the computer looking up jet packs and hover boards from back to the future, before being convinced that with two space heaters, a pair of rubber trainers, a hefty amount of Velcro and a black bin liner for a parachute, I'd be able to make my own hover shoes and fly around for the rest of my life. Proposing the idea to my parents was a nerve-wracking experience, but I did the best my 10-year old self could muster, with a pretty impressive PowerPoint presentation to match. It was when I got to the bin liner parachute that my Dad just lost it. I will forever remember the pain and rejection I felt watching him absolutely weep with laughter. Clearly now I see why, but that was just the beginning.

My dreams then strayed back onto a more expected path of a young girl; pop star, supermodel, actress, teacher, marine biologist (that was a weird time of my life), but each time with the same reaction. Mostly just laughter or a consolatory pat on the back, ruffle of the hair and a "Maybe one day kiddo." It was not that my parents set out to ruin my dreams or dissuade me from pursuing them, it was just despite my best efforts, I could never quite convince them that I was actually serious.

Fast forward a few years and my teenage self (still secretly harbouring all my childhood dreams) tries to make progress independently, seeking to fulfil her own destiny. She spends hours googling open acting auditions, attends countless, and as always, gets nowhere. Still achieving full marks in drama and theatre studies and cast as the main character in every school play, the auditions are fruitless. My parents will not pay for me to attend drama school and no acting agencies will take on someone with zero professional experience. Then the seemingly brilliant idea comes to the still aspirational me of auditioning for the X Factor - the every man's one shot at global stardom. Surprisingly, things actually go well. The producers see a potential in me and my voice, and I get through the first few rounds. Then in the final show before walking out in front of the celebrity judges, after a harsh interrogation by a snotty executive about every aspect of my private life,  I get kicked out of the running for being 'too boring.' 

That was when I began to grow a little bitter and a hell of a lot wiser. To this day I still retain that there has been no more worthwhile learning experience than those X Factor auditions. They were hell on earth. I learnt so much about myself, self-sacrifice, the entertainment industry, the price of fame and  above all, the human desperation for recognition.

The final events in the first stage of 'The Days of Silver Uncertainty' was when I was applying to University. I'm not going to beat around the bush with modesty as you'll soon see I'm arrogant as hell, but I'm kind of quite intelligent. I knew that if I put my head down I could get some seriously good results, and this is what I did, getting straight A's. I was invited to attend an English Literature open day at Oxford University. In the end I submitted my choices with Oxford being my first choice. I was then rejected from Oxford, no doubt because of my lack of aristocratic background. Quickly losing faith in everything I did to try and make progress in the world, I went a little off the rails and ended up going into clearing which resulted in me enrolled at the most spectacularly average of mediocre universities; The University of Hertfordshire. Little did I know that it would, too, be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

But that ventures into the territory of the second phase of 'The Days of Silver Uncertainty'. So at risk of losing all of my readers for my stupidly long blog posts, this is where I shall sign off. Stay tuned for the rest of the build up to the big launch.