Monday, 22 July 2013

A7: S5 - The Clarity

Recently, my posts here have been more like a diary rather than the frustrated philosophical and spiritual debates that I once begun with. 

But I have by no means forgotten my rationale behind creating this blog, and lately, my absence in discussing these is due to being caught in a very bizarre place in my own mind, a place that even I find difficult to curate the words for. 

So I guess I'll start at the beginning.

There have been a few happenings as of late that have really confused, frustrated and concerned me. And all of which, have taken place in my own head.

In the past couple of weeks or so, something dramatic has changed in me, and I'll be damned if I can even find even half the words to describe how. But my way of thinking has suddenly become strikingly different to what it was before, the whole atmosphere of my brain seems to have altered, and all for no apparent reason.

But not in a bad way, exactly. 

The most notable change in my mind, is clarity. 

As if out of nowhere, I am able to think at such a higher cognitive level, a level I feel I have never really had access to before. But this comes still with the muddle of a confusion of not really knowing how to think at that level. I just know that I now can. I see things, all the time. I notice things more in day-to-day life, but also, like I mentioned in my last post, even when my eyes are not seeing, my head is crammed with images, little movie clips and vivid visions. 

Out of nowhere I seem to be able to alter my perspective viewpoint, and view a scene from apparently any given angle, inside my mind. Every single night without fail I have had the most extraordinary and almost unfathomably vibrant dreams, utilising every single sense until I feel I truly am living it and there, alive in my sleep. I'm suddenly dreaming intricate and complex stories, even ideas and inventions to which I Google the next morning to discover they haven't been invented yet. 

Even the little weird cognitive idiosyncrasies that I have always done, such as 'Phasing' (which I've mentioned before here) 'Lovers Visions' which I've mentioned in my last post, and 'Scaping' which is something I've yet to describe - all these things I have always done intermittently, have now returned with full force and strength. Like some dormant part of me which has lay dozing softly until now, has woken up and taken hold with brute force to a point in which the other night, the stray thought genuinely crossed my mind as to whether I've developed some sort of psychic superpowers or something. 

My mind seems to have become some much sharper, and I know this sounds all so bizarre and unbelievable, or just like I'm totally high, but I can assure you, It's all very real.

Another aspect that apparently comes with this new found clarity, is the sudden realisation that the people who I love and cherish dearly, who thankfully share these feelings in return, do not understand me, and never will. 

Recently I've moved back home from University, and as with last year, trying to adjust back into the family scheme is proving quite challenging. I'm not used to having a set routine, being told what to do and having to factor in two other people into any plans I make. To be honest, since I've come back, this house has been nothing but arguments and disputes, and largely in part, because of me.

And despite always having doubts in the past, this new sense of clarity that I seem to have so randomly acquired had made me finally realise the mildly upsetting profundity that I am just so startlingly different to any other member of my family. 

Do you ever have those moments, when you might be rowing with your parents or trying desperately to convince them of something, pleading they understand your mindset, when you pause for a moment, look up into their eyes and wonder just how you could have ended up being so dramatically and painstakingly different to them in every single way, when they were the ones from which you came? 

My family are amazing and usually we are all incredibly similar and in personality and appearance, but there's something below on a deeper level, which I have realised is fundamentally different about them and I. 

It's almost as if by some chance or twist of fate, when I was born, my consciousness and soul was deposited into the body of this child, biologically belonging to this group of people. The only way I can describe it is as if their reproductive act gave life to a soul that was already formed. 

Because they are normal. They are safe, humble, good people who live simply yet happily with their 9-5 jobs, marriages and hobbies. 

And me? By the looks of things, I'm an absolute nutcase.

Ever since I was a child I have been wise way beyond my years, I have such bizzare cognitive habits, visions and dreams, go on crazy adventures and take thrills in deliberately bending the rules of fate. I can see the colour of sounds and music notes and can describe the texture of words. I live by ridiculous philosophies and ideals that I have invented myself, and admittedly achieve rather impressive feats, but all under the plague of belief that somehow, for some reason, I was put on this planet for a reason. That I have a destiny that surpasses the mundane and a purpose far greater than my mind can really quite figure out.

And now that I have come to fully realise just how different we are, I just cannot think on the same wavelength as them. Since I've been back all I have done with my parents is argue and argue - about big and small things alike. I love them dearly, but this feels like the final acceptance that they will never be able to understand me, and that I am okay with that.

So as this bizarre and sudden clarity has bought me insight and truth (as well as a whole host of other strange things that I shall discuss another day) it has also, as you can imagine, bought me a hell of a lot of confusion and frustration as I don't know why this is suddenly happening.

I don't know why these thoughts are plaguing me, why my mind does these weird things or why I am so different to my family, and it is beautiful and terrifying at the same time.  

Because even though I don't know what I'm doing in most areas of my life... everything always somehow seems to work out very well in the end, and I turn out to be incredibly lucky. I've lost count of the amount of times people have said to me, "That could only ever happen to you, Katie." And I'm not going to be afraid to say that actually... I'm starting to believe that it's all not just a coincidence anymore. 

And also, I don't think I'm alone here. 

I know there are other silver people out there with the exact same existential frustrations, inexplicable idiosyncrasies, and destiny-filled thoughts, and perhaps even one of them is reading this right now.

So, if you're reading this and any minute sector of it seems to make any iota of sense, and I'm not seeming as completely mental as I'm starting to think I am, then hallelujah praise the lord, come share your story, and reassure me I am not the only one.

I might not know exactly who I am, I might barely know exactly what I'm doing, but one thing is becoming increasingly inescapable, and that is the overbearing sense that I am here for a reason.

And you are too.



  1. your growing up katie and well done your writing is getting bolder your truly mad in all the right ways so glad i found this website a few months
    back p.s i same guy who left funny comments on Tumblr wonder woman
    i hope there is no hardfeelings i just wanted to see what your personalities .are see you around wonder woman

  2. Every teenager/young person has exactly the same feeling with regards to their parents,especially when the seductive liberation of university has taken root.Home life and the mundanity of their 9-5 routine that you've been witness to and beneficiary of for your lifetime,seems like a tedious yoke they are incapable of shakikng.Their lack of perspective and the stolid rate at which new thought emanates from them (especially compared to the torrent of information you can be privvy to at uni) makes them seem as alien to you as is humanly possible.
    These thoughts.You are just young,or even worse, 'a student'.
    On your day of birth there was no singular alternate soul that infested the biological shell your parents created.everything you feel,write about and are,is a result of the exeriences all three of you have lived through and been a part are hewn from their efforts,philosophies,biology,patience and love.
    This drive and desire that emanates from your every syllable,will inevitably result in moving to London and seeking like minds within the bosom of a career that you hope will provide daily fulfillment.but you will be part of a crowd,yet another person in an already heaving space,ranking their personalities and very purpose by a tally of the financial,superficial and material - often cloaked in the sheen of a 'creative' profession - remarking and opining on everything and giving back nothing.
    If it is reason you seek,find it in the endeavour of others,not in self-reflexive musing.
    Choose a role that directly helps others and practically affects their situation.If words are your life,they (as with this independent blog) will find a way of freeing themselves and finding their target.Achieve that balance of a meaningful,benevolent profession with personal activity focused on improving and giving breath to the 'self',and you'll soon realise that you really are creative,and regularly give birth to ideas,influence and empathy...just like those 'alien' parents of yours do for you everyday you share this world together.

    1. I agree with where you are coming from, but for me, University is not the whirlwind torrent of information and new experiences that has changed my way of thinking... It's the being alone which has changed me. Learning, living and thriving completely on my own has left me a lot of time to linger inside my own mind. And it's not returning home from an amazing exciting life which has rendered me incapable of fitting in again... I just don't feel the same in my head.

      I wasn't quite sure what you meant about the creative profession that you're sure I'll fall into yet give nothing back... could you elaborate?

      And I'd like to finally clarify that I have no ill-feeling toward my parents and family, I love them dearly and would never say a bad word against them. Although I disagree with you saying that my parents 'regularly give birth to ideas, influence and empathy, everyday we share this world together.' I agree that parenthood must bring new challenges every day, but it all comes on one consistent level, the same exact way of dealing with each issue, problem, conflict, resolution. There is no fresh, dynamic approach or any form of change, and there hasn't been in the past 20 years.

  3. Katie, I admire this post, you are such a gifted and bold writer, with a broad, open mind. I am a regular reader of your blog and an avid follower of yours on twitter (@DavinaDesigner), starting to sound like a stalker here, but I promise you I am not! I love to read your daily musings, and this article in particular is just like you took the thoughts straight out of my mind. Finishing university and adjusting to what many people like to label as 'real life' is an emotional time, there is so much expectation and even though I graduated over 10 years ago, I too feel like the people closest to me never understand me! You are a talented and creative person, keep doing what you are doing - seek out every opportunity you can, and you will discover your desired path in life without even realising it :)

    1. You have no idea how much this comment has made my day!

      It means so much to me, and sort of amazes me that anyone is actually listening to my insane rants! I can not thank you enough and I hope I continue to create stuff worth reading :)

      I stil have two years left at University and I'm already panicking about what I'm going to do after, but you're so right. I guess if I just keep doing things I like and live life too the full, then I'm sure I'll fall into my destiny :)

  4. Your rants are not insane, to say the least, they make sense! There is no need to panic about leaving uni, believe me, I know exactly what you are feeling right now, and I wish I had somebody at the time to give me some advice and tell me not to worry! Spend your twenties finding yourself and discovering who you are, and enjoy it, there will be plenty of time in your thirties to work hard and find a great job :)

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