Monday 15 July 2013

A7: S3 - Lovers Visions

Does your mind ever make you see things, or make you notice things which you cannot possibly begin to explain?

Yet inside your own head you can understand and comprehend these things completely, but only when you try and put words to them, only upon voicing them do you realise how clinically insane you sound?

This happens to me a lot.

I've tried to diagnose and categorise these things, but I lose track, as my mind plays host to a whole labyrinth of weird and wonderful idiosyncrasies. They are mostly to do with visions, memories and dreams.

For example, one of these things happen in romantic situations - when I kiss someone with my eyes closed, sleep next to someone, or I am just with another in the darkness.

I'm going to attempt to refrain from saying 'I know this sounds weird' and 'I'm not crazy okay, but', as I know no amount of times I say it while enable me to better explain this, or make seem any less insane.

But when I am in the very near presence of someone and my eyes are closed, I see things.

I say it happens especially in the dark, because I think it's linked to my brain dipping in and out of a sleep-like state, effectively dreaming while I am still awake and moving.

But like a dream I see images, shapes and vivid colours, not exactly as in they're dancing in front of my eyelids, but it is as though not a single other thought crosses my mind in a verbal format, my mind is totally preoccupied with creating images, while my body, as a completely separate entity, basks in the glory of another. Like a movie that is playing in my mind, while I'm not paying attention. There's never a point in my life where I'm not seeing something.

But it's not just a dream that my mind creates, these images are coming from the other person. Like by their skin touching mine they are transferring their dreams into my head. And I'm starting to think that what I see corresponds to how I feel, or how I could feel about that person, or almost as if I'm picking up a vibe from them, which my mind is translating it into images that I can understand.

For example:

The first time I vividly remember this happening, was when I was 16 and with my then boyfriend, Rob, when we were kissing one time in my room. These images don't spring into life suddenly, but when I look back, I only then became aware of exactly where my mind had just been.

Like when you're dreaming. You don't actually know you're dreaming as it happens - you have no present-tense cognitive realisation of what is actually going on, but when you wake up, you know where your mind has just been, and you can recall it retrospectively, like a memory.

And the images I'd be seeing with Rob, was a antique dining table chair against a sickly lime green background.

...What in god's name does that mean?! I haven't a damned clue.

But that is what I saw. But I just remember the discomfort of the vivid acidity of the shade of green, and how I really didn't like it.

Me and Rob didn't stay together long.

This hadn't happened for a long time, until recently.

It was the same sort of scenario, canoodling in the dark, and then I became aware of where my mind was and had been the whole time.

This wasn't as specific as an antique dining chair, but with the vagueness of what I saw came a massive feeling of tranquillity and solace.

Now this one is really hard to explain but I'll try my best.

What I saw with him, were vast sweeping planes of various different shades of grey, silver and white. Like the rings of Saturn, these softly curving expanses crossed over each other in 3D in a slow, melodic and peaceful manner, in the most soul-soothing tones like marble, granite and chrome.

Usually those colours would seem clinical and hostile or dull and boring, but those greys were smooth, sleek and comforting.

And I was overwhelmed by this feeling of absolute peaceful serenity.

And now... and now I cannot stop thinking of the person.

 I cannot seem to tear my thoughts away from them for more than a minute, because my mind keeps coming back to the visions that I saw when I was in their presence, and the relaxation and security that came with it. It's even more bizarre because anyone who was read  my blog before will know I have quite alternative yet fixed views on love, romance and relationships.

So I don't know if it's because it is a sign, whether it was actually linked to the person or just a random wandering of my mind, but all I know is I cannot stop thinking about the boy who made me see silver.