Thursday 4 September 2014

Letter to my Future Self - 30 Days #4

Foreword: This prompt was sent to me by both Leah Symonne and Rachel Farrell.


Dear Katie,

I read some of the first draft of your book the other day, and I was quite taken aback.

Not because of how good it was, or even how bad it was, but by ardently flawlessly you were able to articulate and argue the case for your philosophies. You words screamed off the page and sang out into the air like celestial hymns - but that's not what surprised me most, I know you can do that.

What surprised me is how different you are now, how subdued. You don't seem to have quite the same conviction as you did back then.

And I know the reason why.

It's because you do not have any idea who you are, at all. You feel entirely mismatched.

Whereas in your mind you so clearly and distinctly know exactly what you're about in a spiritual and metaphysical way, when that translates into some form of physical identity... you are lost.

You look at yourself in the mirror entirely expressionless, pore over photographs from not even months past asking who is that? as your finger traces across your own face. You feel so frustrated because however powerful you feel with your words and your thoughts, the reality of your form standing alone is nothing but an anti-climax.

An injustice you have exacted upon yourself. So strong in sentiments, so weak in presence.

Because what you believe inside is a dazzling, complex and brilliant existence, on the outside, you believe you are disappointment personified. Simple hair that doesn't really do anything. A boring face which doesn't really do anything. Lifeless clothes on an unpleasant frame which somehow simultaneously do nothing for you, at the same time as they don't really do anything.

I guess in some ways it's better than what you were before - constantly pushing away this niggling feeling, convincing yourself you were all about this kind of person you're really not.

But now it seems that's all you are.

A series of what you're not's and what you'll never be's, without any inkling of an indication of some kind of opposite.

The frustration only doubles when you turn back and ask yourself, why do I care so much? Why do I feel the need to have a 'label'? To look good on the outside? Modern society so ardently tells us that's the opposite of what you should want. 

But the truth is, it's not being skinnier that would make you happy. It's not being prettier or having other people jealous of what you look like that would make you happy.

It's being in control that would. 

Sometimes you feel this almost pathetically humorous distance between your mental self and your physical self, that you look down at your hands for a little too long, or you find a freckle on the back of your ankle you had never seen before, and you find it almost impossible to believe that this body is actually yours, that it's not just some organic shelter, that you, the mind and soul, reside inside like a house.

You feel it's almost as your consciousness just possesses this body sometimes, like the essence of  you is just a virus, and this girl in the mirror is just a host, a strangers form you have infected. 

While in your mind you stand proud and scream 'I AM SOMEBODY!', in person you are a shrinking violet, an underwhelming introvert, permitting everyone to dismiss you as a nobody.

What would make you happy is unison. Harmony. Understanding and truly believing that you can and you could take control of yourself and make a positive change, like you were able to do with your mind. And you know that your true identity will be born out of the unison between your body, your soul and your self.

But I guess we'll get there one day, won't we?

There's only so many no's you can go through until you find a yes, right?

I just really hope when you read this you laugh, Katie. I really pray that you're sat there now, reading this in a beautiful house that you love, having a job and hobbies that you love, wearing clothes that you love and having an appearance which instantly expresses exactly who you are and what you're about, so that you don't have to fumble and stutter trying to convince anyone that you know what you're doing.

And if you're reading this and the above is not the case, then for crying out loud - go get a hair cut, start wearing trousers, take an art class. Hell, if you don't love what you're wearing right at this second, go sell your entire wardrobe on eBay and start again with something completely different.

Because you might feel weak now, you might be at one of your lowest points, but there's one thing you do know, one thing I'm going to reach out from inside this screen from the 4th September 2014 and say you now to your face, Katie;

If you're not in love with all that you do, then what the fuck are you doing with your life? 

-  T h e   -   E n d   -



To find out more about what the 30 Day Writing Challenge is click here. Got an idea for something you want me to write about? Get your entries in now by emailing me with your prompt, your name and your twitter handle!