Monday, 14 September 2015

A Piece Of Shit That Just Won't Quit


Today, all my friends are dressed in beautiful, billowing ballgowns and immaculately tailored suits, as they wait patiently inside the ancient, cavernous cathedral to receive a scroll and a handshake from the Dean of students. 


Today, I sit in my pants and a long T-shirt, cup of tea in hand, the only scroll for me being my thumb down my Twitter timeline. 


Yet somehow, I kinda feel like I'm graduating too.


This seems like the right day to let you know some stuff.


In the week since I returned from New York: I unpacked three months of a new life. A family member died and I clutched on to my Mother's arm at the funeral. A formal complaint was filed against me to Depop in regards to the Penpal Project, accusing me of fraud. I was offered a full-time job in London. And I realised it was time to quit Scarphelia.


Each one of these brings a lump to my throat for different reasons.


Firstly, all of the Penpal Project packages were complete before I left. Every single person who ordered one will get one - I just have no idea how long it will take in the post to arrive. I spoke to the person who filed the complaint and it was apparently a misunderstanding, but... the thought that anyone believed I would intentionally mislead readers of my blog and defraud them out of money for my own personal gain... that hurt worse than any insult could.


Secondly, completely out of the blue, in a bizarre twist of luck due to the undeserved recommendation from a successful friend, I was interviewed for and subsequently offered a job at a creative firm in London. I was genuinely stunned; initially elated, instantly humbled, and then very quickly crippled by doubt and guilt.


I so wanted to fist-pump the sky yelling 'huzzah! Take THAT everyone who said I was screwing up my life by dropping out of Uni!' but my mind wasn't strong enough to support that optimism, and my internal scaffolding collapsed under the pressure.


Congratulations, a dark part of me sneered, like the voice of Voldemort inside Harry Potter's head, Little Miss rebel, who claimed so ardently she'd never get a 'proper job', who dropped out of Uni to fight the cause for the penniless artist... has just sold her soul to the man. You are the worst kind of hypocrite. You've let every single one of those people who supported you, down. That little signature on that contract just killed Scarphelia. 


Although I know that was fucked up, I couldn't shut up these stupid thoughts, and I fell apart in frustrated tears. Did taking this job mean I had gazed at that proverbial fork in the road, one marked 'corporate career' and the other marked 'creative dream', and despite my years of trailblazing for the plight of the impassioned artist... I'd surrendered myself to a lifetime of the former, just because I so desperately needed the money?


That lead me to the third point. In the pit of my worries, I resolved that I should just quit blogging. Besides, there were so many reasons why I was shit anyway:



- I let the biggest chance to get my writing out there, just slide away. I could've spent those 3 months in New York running round the city finding things to blog about every single day. I could've taken so many more photos for instagram. There were endless opportunities and ways I could have capitalised on my time in New York, and used that as a USP to exponentially grow my readership, but I didn't. I barely squeezed out one post a week.


- I preach how you should just 'blog for yourself!' but I get really fucking down when something I post gets no feedback.


- I only buy new makeup when I run out of my old stuff. And it's pretty much all Rimmel London. Yet I once spent £52 on an Urban Decay palette just so I could instagram it with a bit of smugness, when I only now use 3 of the 25 colours.


- I'm really cynical, and I actually think most things bloggers say and do online are really stupid, with the few exceptions (who - fair play - rock my world) and that makes me an intolerant person, and not fun to be around. I can be a reeeeeeeaaal bitch sometimes.


- I'm simply incapable of being brief. Always gotta drag everything out to approx 10,000 words.


- I think the way the blogging world acts around Fashion Week is the biggest load of shit ever and I cringe so hard at fashion bloggers every time it comes around. And worst of all, that all makes me the biggest hypocrite because I used to do it. I went and stood on those cobbles in as good as fancy dress hoping someone would think I was important. It is gross and I was gross and I'M STILL GROSS.


- I only talk about myself, all the time. There's no trajectory, there's no variety, there's no business model. I don't set goals, or project my social growth. It's just selfish, self-reflective rants and somehow I expect people to continue to care.


- There's zero professionalism, structure or conscious craft in what I do and I swear. A lot. I'm unrefined, lazy and negative and my work is stagnant, repetitive and irrelevant.


Quite simply, I'm a piece of shit, and I should just quit.


'Now hold on just a darn minute there,' 


My thoughts are interrupted - This self-administered trash-talking of the soul seems to have finally awoken the bad bitch in me who'd vanished on vacay the moment shit hit the fan, 


'Fair enough I'll accept that we fuck up a lot and don't deal with things very well and have more than earned the title 'Piece of Shit', but one thing I entirely reject, is the notion that we are quitters. We adapt, we adjust, we find a way to make it work - we NEVER quit.'


And I feel the atmosphere of my brain beginning to change. It'd be unjust not to mention it stemming mostly from a conversation with Emma Gannon however, a person whose wisdom, support and positivity I'm always astounded by.


"Dont overthink this. People have to earn money. No-one can be an 'artist' and lie in a hammock blogging poetry and getting paid for it, like no, that's not a thing. It's hard to get paid for art, so no-one will judge you for taking a 'corporate job'. I worked at a corporate company for 3 years before I got into magazines and I blogged in my spare time all along, and it led me to where I am now. It's not one or the other. YOU have to make it work."


It was the cyber slap in the face I needed, because I wasn't just being a piece of shit, I was being so much worse than that... I was being a little bitch.


And I realised the only way I TRULY would become this hypocrite I was so scared I was becoming, was IF I quit. If I gave up all my creativity and disappeared into the corporate realm never to be seen again. Stopping blogging wouldn't be the right thing to do AT ALL, it would precisely be the exact wrong thing to do. Negotiation doesn't always have to mean sacrifice. Sometimes it just requires a little evolution.


And only after some tough love from myself and from Emma, could I see that. 


Yeah, I might be a piece of shit, but I ain't gonna quit.


It's time to snap out of it, without growing out of it.


So, I will be starting this new job next month, I will be trying to start work on that list of things that make me shit, and there will be some changes that are going to be made, but I can promise you, it's all for the better. And I won't be going anywhere, WHETHER YA WANT ME TO OR NOT.


I'm growing up, but I sure as hell ain't giving up.


And thank you, as always, for putting up with my shit.





70 comments :

  1. Was worried for a second there... come on girl, pull yourself together & get back on the horse ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honestly, I have never valued the phrase 'Pull yourself together' as much as I have done this week, thank you x

      Delete
  2. Holy moly that post was such an emotional rollercoaster ! I must admit I could not believe what I was reading at first, and how disappointed I was... Until I reached the final part and sighed in relief "Well THAT'S the Scarphelia I know and love". Thank you so much, and keep rockin' on. We will always be here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's been a rollercoaster since I've been back! Thank you so much for sticking by me. It honestly means the world to know there are still people who care haha x

      Delete
  3. Support and love from Colombia, I rarely comment, but I'm here cheering another soul from a far a way land. I wish the internet wasn't this impersonal thing...

    Mushroom Rain Blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh wow, thank you so much - I really appreciate this! x

      Delete
  4. This post actually brought a tear to my eye! Thank god you're not quitting. You're my favourite blog to read- I may not always comment but I'm always reading! You're writing style is just so amazing and pulls me in, every time. I want you to know that. I know how you feel though about fashion week, and buying expensive makeup. I'm always a cheap makeup Rimmel/Maybelline gal, and always will be (probably why I'm not a beauty blogger), but don't feel like it's a bad thing! Keep on writing girl - congrats on your job in London!

    www.beckieeschle.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aaaaaaaaaaah omg thank you so much Beckie! I won't forget these words, thank you so much x

      Delete
  5. I think you're bold. Stay golden, I'm behind you all the way! xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. never quit! This blog is far too good to let go, you have done so much and had so many mad experiences and it's all here to read. congrats on the job! it's fantastic news, news that you deserve.. I want to read about it, you're living and working in London at a creative firm, swap lives with me at any-time lol xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really appreciate this Christina, thank you x

      Delete
  7. I would actually be gutted if you were no longer blogging! No matter what you think about your writing (you're absolutely wrong, and by that I mean you're SO GOOD) there is absolutely no other voice like yours. Where would I get my fix from?! It would be impossible!
    When you mentioned you had a new job in London, I was honestly excited to see how you deal with the highs and lows of full time work after uni (aka please make me feel better about the lows).
    I don't want to boil you down to a character and I mean this in such a positive unique way, but when I see that you've posted a blog post, I feel like the next chapter has come out of the book I'm reading after the last cliffhanger! I don't feel like this about any other blog and I think that's the biggest compliment a blogger can receive!
    In other words, continueeeeee! xxxxxxxx

    Jesska - Opal Soul

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. absolutely nailed it - "another chapter after a cliffhanger", couldn't agree more.
      have a lovely day.

      Delete
    2. Thank you - to you both!

      I'm sure there is going to be a lot of highs and lows at this new job... I'm anxious and excited in equal measure to begin - so frustrating I have to wait until 5th October though!

      I actually really like that analogy, I've always though of my blog kinda like a running novel instead of a 'website'. I kinda like being a character. Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it x

      Delete
  8. You had me so worried, but of course, even if you were to leave us and head into other life adventures, we would wish you the best. But now that I know you aren't...I'm even happier I love reading your blog. Your words are enthralling. Congrats on graduating in LIFE, in your own way!

    And heck yeah, never give up!

    Peace & Love // Celestralite

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much for your constant support Celeste, I can assure you it doesn't go unnoticed :) All my love x

      Delete
  9. So happy you are not leaving blogging behind you, you are completely too much of an amazing writer to do so. Good luck with your job and settling in to UK life again, look forward to your future shitty posts xx

    www.ohjanuary.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hhahaha thank you so much Hannah, I'm very grateful you continue to read my shitty posts x

      Delete
  10. I love reading your posts and find them so inspirational. I do also believe you should do as you please especially if you are in need of money. Because honestly, who wouldn't?! But is there any need to slate the people who are outside of your friendship circle, and label the rest of us as stupid? Just wow. Honestly disappointed, and you've lost yourself a reader and supporter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well... okay then. I do believe you got the wrong end of the stick there, I was saying part of the reason I hate myself is because I sometimes find myself thinking that. It was an admission, an apology. It was not attacking anyone... But, I guess I can't stop you. Thanks for your support up to now. Have a nice life x

      Delete
  11. Oh My Goodness! I thought you had quit then! I am so glad you haven't. I really love reading your posts! I often feel like this sometimes. Like why do I even do this blogging malarkey? Sometimes a you do need that cyber slap! Can't wait to see the posts that are yet to come!

    Laura / www.smileatstyle.com xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cyber slaps are definitely what I need a lot of the time! I feel very grateful for the people who hand them out to me haha. Blogging is such a weird thing I don't think I'll ever be able to get my head around...

      Thank you for you support Laura x

      Delete
  12. I saw your post on FBL:Fashion, Beauty and Lifestyle Bloggers Facebook Group and I must say we are so similar that it's scary! I do feel like you a lot! All the time to be honest, the amount of shitty decisions that I made and I'm still making.
    I also quit Uni (twice!) and now I'm a business manager of a company that I hate! On my free time I try to blog as much as I can and guess what? No feedback, I have to comment a LOT of blogs to get some sort of feedback.
    But you know? I love blogging and so do you otherwise you wouldn't be here!
    I'm gonna follow you, not out of mercy but because you are so real and raw and that's exactly the kind of content that I look forward to read everytime I scroll down my Bloglovin feed.
    Sorry for the long comment coming from a weird no-one. Looking forward to read more of your "shitty posts"!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Anna, I really appreciate this thank you! It's so true that actually without blogging I'd be nothing - part of the reason why I could never truly quit. Also I've just realised the hypocrisy... I ranted on about not being a quitter but I quit uni haha OOPS x

      Delete
  13. The horror at the thought of you quitting blogging, I feel like you are one of a small handful of bloggers who actually shares their life online without a glossy facade because in reality we are all just pieces of shit trying to make our stamp on the world. Good luck with the next part of your journey.

    www.emmainks.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Emma, that means more to me than you know. I often feel so lost among the noise, and when I'm writing about stuff that's... pretty much irrelevant to anyone but me, I'm just like what even is the point?! But knowing that people get anything out of my words reassures me it's all worthwhile x

      Delete
  14. I'm glad you're not going anywhere, Katie. You inspire so many people with your creativity and authenticity. It would really have been a shame to lose you from the blogging world.

    ReplyDelete
  15. your posts on living in new york really helped me out when i was away in america myself this summer and stopped me from getting too disillusioned and caught up in worries and boredom. they gave me some hope that my time in the states would not be wasted.
    people will always related to rants, problems, and most importantly everyone loves a good story and adventure - which is what you had and still have. best of luck in your new job, and i hope your rollercoaster of a time settles down soon! your blog is SUCH a refreshing read after ones centered around beauty and fashion and yours is my favourite of all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It forever amazes me that anyone can find stuff for themselves in my rants but I am SO SO humbled and grateful that they do! Honoured to have been able to help while you were away. I really appreciate this comment, and your support, thank you so much x

      Delete
  16. I just read this after my tweet - no idea you were back. Who cares about not blogging in NYC, you were there to enjoy it and that is the most important part!

    The last part had me in stiches, keep being a lil bitch haha! As they say "if they don't know you personally, don't take it personally" - who cares what people say haha!

    Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall remember that haha! I have to keep reminding myself that, I was in NYC to live, not to blog. And BOY did I live x

      Delete
  17. Good luck with the new job girl, I am a glad you aren't quitting that would have been so sad for me! xx

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm never one to comment on many blogs as I'm one of those 'lurkers' but I have to say that I only discovered you about 2 months ago when Zoe London wrote a blog post. Since then everytime you have a new post, I always 'save' them for my lunch break. I just find so much truth and passion in your words and you have no idea how inspiring that is.

    Yes I read food blogs, beauty and fashion blogs but they're not the same. Inspiring on a materialistic way, maybe but nothing like yours.

    Please never stop blogging as your words reach further than you think.

    Tahira | http://ramblingsofafoodaddict.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wrote a post about 'lurkers' a while back but I guess I myself had forgotten! I think I need to take some of my own advice haha. I love Zoe so much, I'm still in awe that she did that for me. I actually printed out that post and stuck it up in my cabin when I was in NYC!

      Thank you so much for this comment Tahira, it has brightened my day x

      Delete
  19. In no way are you quitting. You are finding a way that works for you. I think so often now, especially in the prentitnous creative world we are told how we are supposed to go about being creative which I don't know about you seems completely bizarre. I think being creative is about surviving and finding ways to put out your work. I know someone with a magazine who does jobs to fund it. You just have to make it work till other people accept the genius. You're working for you art and I think that's kinda great.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are forever bloody brilliant Olivia, thank you so much x

      Delete
  20. Katie you can do it and you're gonna have a million new experiences and a million new days and you're gonna keep going and keep seeing and collecting and knowing like a great big ambitious tumbleweed thundering across the desert on a jet pack. You go do that stuff! xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahahahha 'big ambitious tumbleweed thundering across the desert on a jet pack' I want that to be on headstone. Thank you my love x

      Delete
  21. Listen to me Katie Oldham, you must stop obsessing over these things. Fuck yes, you dropped out of uni, ran away to another country, sold those absolutely amazing packages so you could afford 99 pence pizza. You did all of that and there is no shame in any of that. You are FUCKING INCREDIBLE. I literally have to pause so many times whilst typing this because I am confused on how to get these thoughts swirling in my mind communicated to you.
    You are not worthless. Taking that job does not for a second or even a millisecond mean that you let anyone down to killed Scarphelia, what Emma said was going through my mind even before I read it on the post itself. The universe doesn't work that way Katie. It's all about baby steps and working your way towards where you want to be. Fuck yes, you want to do creative stuff and not sell your soul to someone only to sit in front of a desk every fucking day. Yes I know you don't want any of that but that doesn't mean that doing that for a little time when you don't have any money is going to kill anything.
    Katie, it's all in your head but you've got to believe that only because you're going to accept this job doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. You've got to keep your heart clean and set your priorities straight. As long as you don't let that passion die down within you or that creative soul jet away, you're all set. What matters is, have you lost your passion? Did you drop out of uni to work this job? Is this it?
    When you FUCKING KNOW IT ISN'T. You're going to go places Katie, you're going to touch so many lives (even more than you already have) and you're going to do phenomenal things and only because you accept a god damn job doesn't label you as a hypocrite. It only means that you're going to live and you're going to work your way towards your goals. Nothing comes easily Katie and someone as driven and passionate as you should never let hard work and small steps from stopping you to achieve what you FUCKING WANT TO ACHIEVE.
    Secondly, you don't only blog about yourself. You blog about stories that have a moral hidden behind every single one; the only problem to you it seems is that they all seem to be about you. Instead of taking shame in the fact that all you blog about is yourself, take pride in the fact that how much you give out through personal experiences, how much you've taught people, how much you've taught me Katie. You're a hero. You really really are. Very few people have other people telling them that and even fewer can say that they have blogged about tales that have moved to people and taught people so much about themselves and about life.
    Katie, you blog because it's supposed to influence people. Because you have something different to bring to the table.
    "Forever remain curious, refuse to remain unremarkable"
    ^^^^ That is your fucking mantra and you cannot forget that. You must not forget that.
    I had to wipe tears after reading this post. I know it seems hard katie and it must be. Life isn't always easy but you have to live through it. You may find yourself lost but you WILL find that your way and I can promise you that despite the fact that I do not know to personally but I know you enough Katie. You are incredible. You are gorgeous. You are brilliant. Please never ever forget that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dayuuuuum girl, this comment just broke my brain in all the good ways. You are a genuinely remarkable writer and this near moved me to tears. Thank you so much, I'm stunned and honoured and humbled. You are amazing x

      Delete
  22. Hey Katie! I don't normally comment on blogs but I just wanted to say that I'm soooooo glad that you're not quitting this wonderful, inspiring, fabulous blog of yours! I discovered you by accident, but you quickly became my absolute favourite blogger out there. I adore your blogging style and how beautifully you write, as well as how strongly your fantastic personality comes across. You're honest, you're real, you don't bullshit, your blog posts have such depth to them and your insights are so thought provoking & ass kicking. It's a true joy to read. You're the furthest thing from superficial. You're 100% true to yourself all the time and I respect that so much. Finding a blogger like you was a dream come true. I identify with and relate to both you and what you write so much. You're all about taking chances, living life, being creative, using emotions as tools to fuel actions, being yourself so completely and utterly. Reading your blog reminds me that I'm not alone. It inspires me to be creative, to get out there and be brave, live my life, take chances, and perhaps most importantly, it reminds me that it's okay to feel this overwhelming whirlwind of feelings. I'll rise above it. I'm not alone in feeling this vast array of emotion. You're my favourite blogger, the best of the best, and you're already making your mark in this world, impacting the lives of others, and I truly believe that your big break, the one you've been craving, will come to you soon. You deserve it! All the best & good luck for the future, Tasha (moustashie.blogspot.co.uk)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Natasha this has bought THE biggest smile to my face, thank you so so much for taking the time to write this. You've given me so much hope, thank you x

      Delete
  23. Really impressive post. I read it whole and going to share it with my social circules. I enjoyed your article and planning to rewrite it on my own blog.
    mahjong | agario | minecraft|halloween | pacman| kizi | hulk | mickey mouse games | sniper games

    ReplyDelete
  24. 20151014xiaodaigethe north face outlet, http://www.thenorthfaces.in.net/
    wedding dresses, http://www.cheap-weddingdresses.net/
    ray ban,rayban,occhiali ray ban,ray-ban,ray ban occhiali,ray ban sunglasses
    san antonio spurs jerseys, http://www.sanantoniospursjersey.com/
    michael kors factory online, http://www.michaelkorsfactoryoutletonline.com/
    ugg outlet uk, http://www.snowboots.us.com/
    cleveland cavaliers jersey, http://www.cavaliersjerseys.net/
    chicago bulls, http://www.chicagobullsjerseys.net/
    discount oakley sunglasses, http://www.oakleysunglassesdiscount.us.com/
    tory burch outlet, http://www.toryburchshoesoutlet.com/
    miami dolphins jerseys, http://www.miamidolphinsjersey.com/
    michael kors uk, http://www.michaelkorsoutlets.uk/
    nike air huarache, http://www.nike-airhuarache.co.uk/
    tiffany and co, http://www.tiffanyandco.in.net/
    ugg boots sale, http://www.uggoutlet.org.uk/
    tods outlet store, http://www.todsoutlet.us.com/
    chicago blackhawks jersey, http://www.chicagoblackhawksjersey.us/
    michael kors handbags, http://www.cheapmichaelkorshandbag.in.net/
    cardinals jersey, http://www.arizonacardinalsjersey.us/
    ravens jerseys, http://www.baltimoreravensjerseys.us/
    michael kors canada, http://www.michaelkorsoutletcanada.in.net/
    oakley sunglasses wholesale, http://www.oakleysunglasseswholesale.in.net/
    mac cosmetics, http://www.maccosmetics.in.net/
    hermes birkin bag, http://www.hermesbirkin.org/
    prada outlet store, http://www.pradaoutlet.us/
    michael kors outlet, http://www.michaelkorsoutlet-store.us.com/
    real madrid jersey, http://www.realmadridjerseystore.com/

    ReplyDelete
  25. Amaze! I have been looking bing for hours because of this and i also in the end think it is in this article! Maybe I recommend you something helps me all the time? Here's it

    ReplyDelete
  26. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I am not sure where you’re getting your information, but good topic. I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more. Thanks for magnificent info I was looking for this info for my mission.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I must appreciate the way you have expressed your feelingsthrough your blog!. Click here to play
    shooting games | dog games | fighting games | mickey mouse games | Subway Surfers

    ReplyDelete
  29. All the best blogs that is very useful for keeping me share the ideas
    of the future as well this is really what I was looking for, and I am
    very happy to come here. Thank you very much
    earn to die
    earn to die 2
    earn to die 3
    Hi! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and finally got the
    earn to die 4
    courage to go ahead and give youu a shout out from
    earn to die 6
    Austin Texas! Just wanted to tell
    earn to die 5
    you keep up the fantastic work!my weblog
    age of war
    Hi! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and finally got the
    happy wheels
    strike force heroes
    slitherio

    ReplyDelete