Thursday, 17 September 2015

I Can't Quiet My Fears, But Maybe I Can Shout Them Into Silence


Here are some things I can't get out of my head.


1) I fear that my own prematurely self-realised potential will be my downfall

2) I fear I am such a jumbled mess of creativity and passion and determination so tightly wrapped, that I'll never be able to unravel it into any kind of achievement

3) I fear my lack of discipline and refinement will always plague me until it's too late and all the opportunities are gone

4) I fear I'll go from being what people tell me they regard me as now - 'someone you know is going places' - to someone they'll eventually refer to in passing as: 'You know, I was certain she was going to do something. I was always so sure she was going to create something that would change the world.' to which they'd then sigh and say 'I guess she had all of these ideas, but... she could never actually put them into practice. Such a shame.'

5) I fear that I'll leave it too late. That all of these books and characters and businesses and ideas and art shows and movies and theories were put into my head because I was supposed to birth them into the world, but that I'll fail. And they'll never see the light of day because I was too weak

6) I fear my own desperation for achievement, because I feel the weight of it slowly crushing my optimism, my drive, my determination. The need to create something important in the world is slowly destroying my faith in my ability to actually do it

7) I fear that pressure + talent either equates to greatness, or self-destruction, and I don't believe I'm strong enough to avoid it being the latter

8) I fear I can never be as good enough as the person I've duped myself, and everyone else, into thinking I already am

9) I fear I'm just a kid. I'm a child at a school talent show, standing on stage under a spotlight before that silent patient crowd, knowing that I could blow them all away with what I can do, and I just croak. I place a shaky hand up to that microphone, and I can't even say my name. Then slowly, the teachers realise it isn't going to happen, and the interval music kicks in as conspiratorial mothers turn to one another in the audience and whisper 'Jeez what a waste of time.'

10) And I guess this fear is so strong, because I know it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I believe I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough, I'll never live up to the expectations of me, then I won't. And so the greatest fear of all here, is that I won't be able to snap out of this. That I will cause my own downfall by believing it will happen.

So perhaps I can't quiet these incessant thoughts in my hostile mind, but maybe, I hope and I pray, that I can shout them loudly enough into the wide world, that when they return back as an echo, they'll find their origins have fallen away.

37 comments :

  1. You sure don't write like a kid. I actually think getting a "day job" in the corporate world might benefit your writing more than you'll ever know. The pressure will be off your writing to provide for you financially, to pay the rent, to keep you afloat, and now you will be able to write for the sheer pleasure of it. I still see great things for you, and that self-doubt you feel is what will keep you humble on your path to success:).

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    Replies
    1. I agree with this so much - I think I'm just going a bit stir crazy cooped up with no responsibility but that of my writing, I can't wait to start working to preoccupy my mind again! x

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  2. Self-fulfilling prophecy is so true. So, instead of thinking negatively, think positively! You can do this! You are an amazing writer , and you will go places! Believe in your self more :)

    www.beckieeschle.com

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  3. Creativity is also such responsibility, that we have to care care of it, and we have to work, work and work really hard to make big things. We shouldn't take creativity for granted, because is a gift.

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    Replies
    1. You couldn't be more right, I just gotta figure out how to channel it properly x

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  4. this is how I feel all the time!

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  5. I share all of these thoughts, and despite evidence to the contrary, i truly believe that i'm unskilled, unable and uncapable. Bravo for sharing these, and if I know anything to be true - your mind is lying to you, you're talented, smart, capable and are already doing great things. Try and be kind to yourself. (ps. i hate it when people tell me to do that.. but I think its probably the best advice.) Good luck. You're awesome.

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    1. Ha yeah the frustrating thing is I know what the remedy is to this and the advice I'd give to someone, but I just can't take it for myself.. but I'll get there. Thanks for reading man x

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  6. I completely relate to this!! :) But I think it's just human to have these fears, I'm 100% sure you have amazing things ahead, we're only in our early 20's we have over half of our lives to have adventures!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Kat - it's always a comfort to know others are in the same boat! x

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  7. 'I fear my own desperation for achievement, because I feel the weight of it slowly crushing my optimism, my drive, my determination. The need to create something important in the world is slowly destroying my faith in my ability to actually do it'

    God YES. This one. This one all over with fire ants.

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha, I'm glad I'm not the only one. Thank you Dasha x

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  8. I can relate to some of your fears and recognise things that I've worried about over the years. I agree with the comment from Jenn that getting a corporate job will benefit you as a writer, because that exact thing happened to me. I came out of an MA Creative Writing deflated about my own abilities and struggled to make an office job work within the dreams I'd always had for myself. But a few years later, my writing has come on so much, mostly through the restrictions copywriting and report writing place on you and the way they teach you to edit and be concise. I know so many writers and ultimately everyone feels this way at some point, keep going, keep writing, even if it's only for yourself. You definitely have something. Plus, the best thing about writing is there is no age limit; you only get better as you age and gain experience.

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    1. Thank you Amy, I really appreciate this and you're totally right. Part of the reason I'm freaking out so much now is because I feel like my creativity is untameable and I can't physically reach up there and haul it back again and into achievement. I definitely think this will help. Thank you for reading! x

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  9. Wow, I can so relate to this. People tel you that you will do great things and you believe them but when you take a chance and it doesn't work out, it garners sympathy and those pitying looks. You made my day by letting me know that someone else feels the same. Thank you x

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