Tuesday 1 March 2016

The One Where She Finally Realises It's Not All About Her

I could sit down and explain all of the epiphanies and inspirations which have instigated what I'm about to say and do, but I'll leave you with just this one:

'My duty is to understand. To understand the world. This is our exchange for the luck of being alive.

In the pursuit of ideas you will start to think, and that will change your life. And if you change your life, you change the world.'

- Vivienne Westwood


Throughout my conscious existence, there is one remarkably wonderful thing I have learned, which has proved itself true so many times, that I'm starting to think it might actually be called growing up. And this is it.

There’ll come a day in your life, when you run your fingers across that open wound where you bleed out into the world, and on that day you’ll finally stay; Stop. That’s enough. I can’t do this, like this.

 And so you pick up your needle and thread, and you decide to stitch it closed for a while, sealing in your focus, facing inward. 

That’s the most important day of your life, because it’s the day that you admit that you need fixing, and that you are the only one who can do it. So you pull down the shutters and board up the doors and you think I’m going to heal now. I’m going to love myself now. I’m going to be a better me when I leave here.

It might take days, weeks or even years, but as the sun and moon pass above you, one day you’ll begin to notice the light creeping in through the cracks in the shutters over the windows. You’ll walk over, place your hand against the wood and it’ll just crumble, light streaming into the darkness. That’s when you’ll realise that it was not the most important day when you came here, but in fact, the day when you realised you were ready to leave.

Now the boards are falling away and the light doesn’t burn you. You’re peeling back that plaster and you don’t bleed. You emerge from the chrysalis and you can stretch your new wings. There might never be a day when you are invincible, but you look down at your body and see, at least for now, that you are full. You are whole. You are ready.

Only when you realise that nothing is more important than putting yourself back together, can you begin to restructure the broken parts of you until you realise that in fact… everything is more important. 

Because only once you emerge, can you see that by focusing inward to make a difference, you're now strong enough to turn outward and do the same. You can finally feel strong enough in your own bones that you can reach around the cracks of the earth and start to lift with the others who are trying to do the same. It’s a moment where you understand that what you are, what you stand for, what you can do, and what you have the power to become, is more important than just who you are. That, healing yourself was a negotiation with your ego, and now you understand how and when to leave it at the door. That’s when you’ll realise that the most important day was not the day you came here, but in fact, the day when you realised you were ready to leave.

And I think for me, today is that day. 

The day I finally realised that it's not about me anymore.

Although over these three years that I've run this blog I've written mostly positive things, I won't lie in admitting that I believe they haven't always come from the best place. I end up writing 'how to deal with loneliness' because I'm experiencing crippling levels of isolation. I sometimes write about my adventures because I don't really know who else to tell. I give advice under the guise I practice what I preach whilst knowing I'm a massive hypocrite. 

This blog has always been a catalogue of self-reflection because I've had so many issues I've had to work out with myself. This has been my chrysalis. And I didn't realise it until recently, when I wasn't using Twitter, I couldn't be bothered to write new blog posts, and I was letting days go past without sharing anything online about my life, that it was because for the first time in my adult life... I just didn't feel the need to talk about myself. 

I've always thought I was 'falling out of love with blogging' or 'had a love hate relationship with the internet' but that wasn't the case at all. I just didn't want to be doing what I was doing online. I didn't feel good about what I was putting out there anymore. I think the breaking point came when I wrote a very candid and painstakingly honest post about recent loneliness, and sending that off into the world of a million eyes suddenly didn't feel like I'd done the right thing. I've never before written and posted something and not felt like I was putting some kind of good into the world by doing so. Until then. 

Writing and creating has always been the most important focus for me, but over the years my focus has become blurred by using it as a kind of self-therapy to heal past wounds. And I could never quit writing, of course not, but I simply no longer wish to keep blogging in this way.

What I'm getting at is, I'm not moving out, but I'm redecorating. 

I've done the same thing on this blog for the past three years, but I've outgrown it. It doesn't do anything for me anymore, and I've had this complete revolution about the fact that I actually like keeping some things to myself. It's liberating to be like, actually I don't need to tweet about that. Maybe I'll keep that photo album on private. It's like reclaiming ownership over my shit, you know? I no longer feel like I want to present my entire life as a museum exhibition, obsessing over ways I can get more and more people to come and visit. I don't want to present my thoughts as clickbait or relay my memories in seasons and episodes. 

I'm not quitting this blog, but my attitude for it has changed dramatically. I just don't want to publish my innermost thoughts to the entire world any longer. I feel exposed and vulnerable, and end up watching my worries float off into the ether in an inky dark cloud which fills me anxiety that I've potentially done a deconstructive thing. 

I guess... I don't want to be a reality show anymore, I want to be a documentary. 

I don't want to just talk about myself, I want to provide a varied and rich platform of inspiration, something which educates and motivates while spreading positivity. I want to rearrange the furniture and paint the walls, so that they reflect a more accurate version of who I now am as a grown-ass woman, and what I care about. And the answer to that is: everything! I care about everything! And I want to tell you all about the things that I care about, and why they're so fascinating, not try to tell you how fascinating I am.

I was always so hung up on the idea that I was going to be the one to change the world, that I never questioned myself as to why I thought it had to be me. I think secretly, maybe I always wanted it to be me who made the difference, more than I actually wanted to make the difference. 

But that's another thing I've outgrown. 

I now finally understand what I want to do with the internet, and how to draw the line between personal and project. I have disbanded my 'scarphelia' twitter and am probably going to start a fresh new instagram, as these are things which I started alongside my blog, and the context is just no longer relevant. I hate standing on stage in front of five thousand faces and trying to be as funny and exciting as possible to make them care, only to realise they're all just mannequins. 

So I'm not going anywhere, it's just going to be a little harder to find me.

But, if you wish to come with me on this new journey then, well, that's just pretty much the greatest thing in the world. Let's go hand in hand in search of all the extraordinary and important stuff in the world. And if you want to leave me at the door then I completely understand, and can do nothing but thank you for being a part of this for the past few years. We had a good run, didn't we? Thank you for the time you lent me. 

So if you've made it this far... I guess you're in, right?

Well, then here's some exciting news about things I am doing moving forward which are making me happier, healthier and more determined than ever:

I have started writing and recording with my band again, and I wanna & I'm gonna share music with you that's gonna make you wanna take on the world. Watch this space.

I have started writing a book (like for real this time, I'm already THREE CHAPTERS DOWN) it's fiction, I'm head over heels in love with my characters, it's going to be good, and you can be a part of it. It's safe to say, watch this goddamn space.  

And lastly, 

I am starting a monthly newsletter of joy, which will be a short sweet burst of positivity in your inbox every month ft everything which I have found bloody amazing about life and the world recently, and cool as hell people you should know about. And THIS is where you'll find my little snippets of my personal life and thoughts and stories, shared safely among people I love and trust - among friends, in a warm little internet blanket fort.

You can sign up to it here in anticipation if you'd like. It'd be really really lovely to see you there.

And so yeah, that's basically where I'm at right now. 

It's a good place.

*sloppily raises glass of prosecco* 

To the future.