Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Lost Between Two Moments


It's unusual for me to do something like this - I usually require a few days of internal turmoil before addressing my frustration on the blog - but I'm really hoping seizing this sensation as it happens will do something to help stop it.

Nothing has been the same since I returned from Iceland. 

When we were there, Greg and I spent our time joking that we'd be returning with superpowers after witnessing the Spring Equinox supermoon solar eclipse. The thing, is I didn't believe I'd actually feel a change. 


Now before you eye-rollingly reach for that red cross in the top right corner - I know I don't have superpowers. 

But, something is different.


A physically tangible and spiritually unsettling yearning.

The only way I can describe it, as usual, is through elaborate metaphor. It's as though for countless years I've been the sole resident and housekeeper of this grand sprawling mansion, knowing every dark corner and secret staircase, every room, doorway, courtyard and corridor like the back of my hand, every object inside in its rightful place. Then, one day out of apparent nowhere, I find a door I've always walked past but never taken notice of before, and placing my hand against that ancient wood, I've pushed it open to discover an entire wing of the house I never knew existed. 

Suddenly my perception of this house I thought I knew is completely thrown, and as I walk through the barren wing I realise that all I'd spent years establishing and curating in the main house is as good as redundant with this pristine and secret wing laying open, entirely devoid of content. The blueprints of what I've always known is true now need to be entirely re-written, all the contents rearranged because suddenly there's suddenly this newer, bigger part I must factor in and try and work with.

Yes, that's it.

I feel a new hollowness in me. 

This is not the emptiness of something pre-existing - I look around and I see every room is full of vast riches and intricacies. But it's as though the spontaneous trip to Iceland, the tattoo signifying a refusal to settle for anything less than an extraordinary life, the subsequent series of smaller-scale adventures we embarked on as soon as we returned - all of these components have combined to form the key to unlock a new level to me, a higher sense of purpose to which I'm startled and afraid and excited to find completely empty and ready to be filled.

I now sit in a silent house, cross-legged on my bed, camera and notebooks bursting with stories and adventures of the past couple of weeks, and like a yawn trapped inside my chest, my fingers begin to tap against my shins and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to concentrate on what it is that I'm looking for, what it is that I need and what I need to do to fill this hollowness.

And it's then, with sweet self-sympathy and a sigh, I realise that for the rest of my life I will always feel at a crossroads, because there's never a time I'm not going to feel lost between two moments.



30 comments :

  1. This is absolutely beautiful, you've taken the thoughts out of all our unsatisfied 20-something year old minds and turned them into that metaphor. So happy for you making this self-discovery; although it's a hollow feeling there is always something rewarding about understanding yourself and your place in the world a little bit more than you did yesterday. And I find that accepting the fact you will always be at a crossroads helps you to appreciate the little moments and find the time to pursue happiness.

    Adore your blog :)

    Alex
    Efflorescent Dream
    x

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is a strange coincidence, but the feeling that you have just described - unlocking a new level to yourself - is one that I have had myself lately! I went to Paris at the eve of the solar eclipse and ever since that little weekend trip, it seems as if things just aren't quite the same anymore. It took me a couple of days to realize so and it is only now through reading your words that I manage to find the words for it myself, but deep down inside it feels as if someone flicked the switch in my head. Things haven't become clearer and I'm not a changed person, but I feel like I have begun to enter a new chapter in my life - without me realizing so and without any real significant cut taking place in my life. Am I even making sense? :)
    But in other words, I feel where you are coming from. I, too, feel the hollowness, but I also see some new promise and I am sure that as time will go things will come into perspective!

    ReplyDelete
  3. As always, your words are so beautiful. I know this isn't relevant to the post itself (I'll get to that)..but I just wanted to say that it's a gift, to be able to turn even the most gut wrenchingly difficult experiences into beautiful literature and well.. I can't imagine that you won't spend your life doing this.
    Anyway, back to the matter in hand, I can so totally relate to very 'stuckness' that you are experiencing, except I wouldn't have been able to put it into words quite as well. I've found - through my own experiences - that these feelings tend to fade and dull into the background as life goes on.. almost allowing you to forget that they exist but never entirely going away. In some ways it can be helpful if that happens.. less yearning.. less feelings of being unsettled and unfilfilled, but I guess that that's a pretty cowardly way of looking at it.. to allow something to be pushed so deep that you pretend it isn't there? I think that feeling that you have is important, and although you may always feel 'stuck' or 'between' (because of course that's the nature of being alive - being stuck between moments) it's important to act on it as often as possible, and see as many things as you can. It's a wonderful thing to have your eyes opened to new possibilities.. don't let that stop now!

    Ally
    xx
    www.allyinblunderland.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  4. You have such a way with words, honestly. It's so enjoyable to read. And I am in complete agreement with Efflorescent Dream's comment up there. It's exactly the struggle of twenty-somethings wrapped up in a prettily-worded metaphor. I always enjoy your blog because you talk about everything so candidly. ❤

    xx Alyssa — fragments of memories

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have always loved how you put your thoughts into words, but this is a next level! It's like poetry and the special thing is: I feel like I know exactly what you mean. And personally, I see these crossroads as wonderful possibilities ! It's okay to be lost at times, isn't it :)
    much love x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Really it's the struggle of all of us wrapped up, everyone whose life has no zoom function to a goalpost future, everyone who dances on the clock hands. Love it xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know how you feel and at 26 I have only just started feeling I am living with purpose. The early twenties are TOUGH and no one tells you when you are a teenager. I have only just started feeling comfortable telling people I am a writer. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. I am glad I met you at the crossroads :)

    Amy
    x

    I have a new post up "How to Succeed at Being Human". I would love it if you could take a look.
    http://bit.ly/1BNsLPR

    ReplyDelete
  8. You've gotten a lot of comments saying other people know how you feel and I do, too. I think "hollowness" is the perfect way to describe it. It's amazing knowing that there's someone out there who can relate.
    www.zoeandtima.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
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